


When They Met

by Scrib_hneoir



Series: White Blood [2]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul, Tokyo Ghoul:re
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Bisexual!Hiase, Flashbacks, Gay As Tuesday!Hide, M/M, Probably Lowkey A Tragedy, Probably Not A Tragedy, does it count as major character death if the character is already dead?, dont let me write things at 3:30am
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-05-19 12:43:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5967796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scrib_hneoir/pseuds/Scrib_hneoir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Getting locked out of his apartment was probably the best thing to ever happen to him.</p><p>“Excuse you, Haise Sasaki, but I can see what’s going on quite clearly.” Haise peeked through his hands to see Takizawa grinning mischievously at him. “You’re obviously lovers from the past, reunited once again through the spiritual power of fate.”<br/>Haise narrowed his eyes. “You are so full of bullshit.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> look what's finally here LMAO  
> note: it was gonna be another tragedy but then i promised in a  
> comment that i would make the sequel happy and well here we are ??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nishio stahp

It was the middle of winter; endless, twilight-esque days of soft snow and quietude. Minutes were counted by the gathering inches of pearly dust, white banks climbing up only to be swept away hours later by loud machines that broke the silence. They came at six AM, noon, four PM, and nine -- it was the only way to know that time was truly passing.

Haise lived alone on East Ave. He was a tenant, residing in a third of a large house paid for by monthly deposits of five-hundred dollars. The owner was hardly ever seen anymore, not evening answering his phone. Haise had taken to simply slipping payments under the door.

East Ave was a road out of the way. It went to nowhere and it came from nowhere -- it wasn’t even positioned east to west. Houses dotted its sides at random intervals, porch lights faintly breaking the crepuscular shadows. Haise wasn’t sure how he had ended up so far out of the way, but he could never find the motivation to move closer to the city. Whenever he visited the forest of metal skyscrapers and rivers of people, unpleasant memories and déjà vu rose, threatening to swallow his mind.

Haise worked at a corner market a couple miles down the road, to which he walked every day except on the weekends. It paid well despite the little business it received. Haise was more often than not alone in the crowded store that sold everything from milk and bread to pens and hygiene products.

When he walked home during the winter he would take his time and watch as the snowflakes quickly drifting to the ground. Even when it was dark and a storm raged, he never hurried home.

Because who was waiting for him?

No one.

* * *

“Sasaki, you look exhausted,” Takizawa commented as he wiped at the counter. Outside, it was dark and a snowstorm was in full swing.

Haise sighed quietly as he slowly restocked the cereal boxes. The shop ‘Doves’ was a small corner market on the edge of town. It opened at six in the morning and closed at ten. Haise worked the evening shifts from two PM to closing with Takizawa. The two easily manned the store since very few people came in at those hours.

“I didn’t get much sleep last night,” Haise admitted as he grabbed the next cereal box.

“Nightmares again?”

“Something like that.” He turned with a bright smile to his companion. “Don’t worry, it’s almost ten. I’ll get something to eat then head home.”

“Don’t you walk?” Takizawa looked pointedly at the snow raging outside. “Are you sure you don’t want to spend the night at my place or something? Because that’s one hell of a storm.”

Haise followed Takizawa’s look. “It’s not that bad.”

“You’re gonna get hit by a car someday.”

_When everyone arrived, they found the street scattered with yellow and pink petals, like spring had passed through this one intersection, ignoring that the rest of the city was morphing into winter._

_A young man with dark hair knelt at the edge of the road, clutching the stock of one sunflower still in tact, half its petals and seeds missing._

_A woman walked out of the flower shop nearby, set a purple hyacinth in the middle of the road, and brought her hands together in prayer._

Haise mouthed the word, “Maybe,” before he could stop himself, but quickly covered it up with a smile and a dismissive wave of his hand. “Nah, no one’s crazy enough to drive in this weather anyway. Besides, I live on East Ave, no one’ll be down there at this hour.”

Takizawa responded with a disbelieving look, but dropped the subject.

The two finished cleaning and closing up the store before heading out the back door. Takizawa waved Haise off as he climbed into his car. He drove towards the north part of town where most people lived, and Haise started towards his favorite place for dinner.

The bar, The Hanged Ghoul, scared a lot of people away with its name, but in truth it was a cozy place where anyone could stumble in and order a drink without question. They also served delicious hamburgers that Haise found positively irresistible.

Haise hunched his head against the wind, shoving his hands deep into his pockets, but nothing he did barred the cold that pierced his clothes.

When he arrived, he blinked snow from his eyes before opening the door, slipping into the warm relief of the bar. He breathed the tension from his shoulders and hurried over to a back booth where he was relatively out of the line of sight of the other people there.

Other people being all of three.

Haise pulled his coat off his shoulders and set it to the side, rubbing his chilled hands together before folding them in front of him and waiting to be noticed by a waiter.

Someone new came to his table this time, a tall man with chestnut hair, dark glasses, and a glowering expression, as if he really didn’t want to be here right now. Haise didn’t blame him, it was almost eleven at night.

“What can I get you?” the man droned robotically and Haise felt bad, like he was the inconvenience to the man’s existence.

“I, uh, just the hamburger please. And the, ah, hot chocolate, I guess.”

The man stared down his nose at Haise with a judgemental look. “Right.” With that, he turned on his heel and stalked to the back kitchen.

Haise sighed and let his head drop slightly. Everything had become heavier recently, as if some invisible weight had settled across his back.

He sat like that for about ten minutes before his food arrived. This time, a familiar face carried the plate and mug of steaming hot cocoa over.

“Hey, Touka,” Haise said with a smile.

The woman returned the smile as she set the food down and slid into the seat opposite him. “Sorry if Nishio left a sour taste in your mouth, or something, he’s new and doesn’t really like it here.”

“Yeah,” Haise agreed, feeling himself relax with the comforting company. “This town is pretty out of the way, I can’t imagine anyone being happy about ending up here against their will.”

“You were the same, once.”

“I got over it. I don’t think he will.”

Touka laughed. “Fair enough. He’s a pain to work with, too.”

“Seems like it. I don’t think I’ll tip him.”

They laughed together before Haise started eating.

“So how was work?” Touka inquired.

Haise shrugged. “Slow, I guess. It was snowing so not a lot of people were out and about.”

“Same for here. This is our busiest right now, can you believe it?”

“Yes.”

Touka threw a napkin at him.

“By the way, I have a new book for you. Wait here.” She jumped from her seat and hurried to the back room. Haise resumed eating his burger -- which was just as delicious as always -- and waited. When Touka returned, she had clutched in her hands a thick book.

“Which one’s this?” Haise asked.

“‘Monochrome Rainbow’,” she read off, handing him the work. “A series of short stories, by the same author who wrote your favorite, ‘The Black Goat’s Egg’.”

“Really? I didn’t know she had other works,” Haise said with contented surprise.

A fierce wind knocked against the side of the building, rattling some paintings hanging on the wall beside them. Touka stared at them as they shook, and Haise in turn stared at her.

“Say…” he began slowly, but was cut off by a commotion from the kitchen.

Touka _tch_ -ed and got to her feet. “What is it _now_ ,” she snapped, hurrying to the back room where multiple voices were shouting over the clashing of pots and pans.

Haise chuckled into his hot chocolate.

About and hour later he was the last customer and Nishio was giving him glares across the room where he was wiping down tables. Touka had reemerged after settling an argument between Nishio and her brother, Ayato, over some burned cheese, and now was organizing the liquor behind the bar.

Haise had since finished eating and had contented himself to reading ‘Monochrome Rainbow’, but he was getting the distinct feeling from everyone, save Touk, that it was time for him to leave.

Checking the time -- 12:02 AM -- he stood, tucked the book into his jacket, and moved towards the door.

“Leaving so soon?” Touka called.

He forced a smile. “Yeah, it’s late and I have to walk home still. Don’t worry, I’ll stop by tomorrow.”

This earned another glower from Nishio and Ayato turning away with the familiar Kirishima _tch_.

Hiking his hood over his head, Haise hunched his shoulders against the cold and started along East Ave.

The wind had died down, allowing the snow to flurry down in thick blankets, coating the world in a freezing icing. The plows hadn’t been through since nine PM and wouldn’t come through again until six in the morning, so the snow would have plenty of time to build up and settle itself alongside the empty road.

Once he was out of sight of the city streetlights, he fumbled in his pocket to pull out a small flashlight. It barely illuminated a couple feet in front of him, but it was better than nothing on nights like these where the night sky shed none of its light.

He was about to check the time on his phone, but upon pulling it out he found it had run out of battery -- hours ago, probably. Sighing, he guessed he was almost home, and continued trekking on.

A couple minutes later the wind picked up again, and Haise paused to guard himself against the piercing chill. Only the faint, yellow lights ahead gave him motivation to keep trudging through the calf-deep snow.

…Lights?

He hadn’t left any lights on when he had headed to work.

He picked up the pace and covered the remaining meters in a matter of minutes, hurrying up the porch steps and throwing himself through the door and onto the first landing.

Sure enough, the first floor flat door that was so commonly dark had a warm light leaking out along with a heavy scent of cinnamon and cookie batter.

Haise hovered in front of the door, fingers gripping the edges of his coat. Should he say something? It was nearly one in the morning, but he hadn’t seen his landlord in years, and it only seemed appropriate to greet him, right?

He took a deep breath, reminded himself that it _was_ almost one in the morning, and that his landlord, even if he was also awake, wouldn’t appreciate a greeting from a stranger (even if Haise was the only tenant in the house).

Climbing the stairs to the second floor flat, Haise aimed the flashlight at the lock as he searched his pocket for his key, fingers groping nothing but fabric and lint.

_Shit._

He leaned his head against the door, wondering where the key could’ve fallen between here and the bar.

Virtually anywhere, basically.

Swallowing, Haise decided he would be visiting his landlord tonight -- this morning? -- anyway.

Descending the stairs, he stopped once more in front of the door, took a deep breath, and was about to knock when a violent crash resonated from within.

“Goddammit, Saiko!” a man cursed. There was a mumbled reply before he continued, “I said put the fucking egg whites with the butter, not the freaking flour! Fuck! It’s ruined!”

“Ah, hey, Shirazu, you’re being a little - ”

“Look, look at it, Tooru! Ruined!”

There was another bang and Haise decided it was time to interrupt. He summoned false confidence and rapped on the door, immediately silencing the conversation beyond.

There was a period of awkward silence before a lock turned and young, dark skinned man opened it up, a medical eyepatch covering his left eye. “C-can I help you?” he stammered, keeping the door only cracked open enough so that all Haise could see was the boy and nothing more.

“I, uh, I’m Haise Sasaki, the tenant upstairs?” He paused. “I, uh, lost my key. Would the landlord possibly have another one?”

“Ah, _possibly_.” He laughed. “The, um, landlord is a little busy, but this should be fine. Why don’t you come in? It’s cold out here.” He stepped back, letting out a flood of warmth and light, and Haise gladly stepped inside.

The room wasn’t quite what he had been expecting -- he hadn’t known what he was expecting, but it certainly hadn’t been the tatami flooring and paperwalls decorated in cherryblossoms and gold leaf, the medieval rugs hanging on the walls and bronze candelabra, the clay mugs sitting among the remnants of bagels on a coffee table in front of a huge TV, various game controllers scattered across the floor, or the strangely-modern kitchen around the corner.

An oranged hair, punk-ish looking kid was viciously stirring something in a bowl in said kitchen while a small, dark-haired girl sat on the floor absorbed in a PSP, hair split unevenly into long pigtails.

“Do you, ah, want a seat?” the dark skinned man inquired, gesturing to a chair near the kitchen. Haise took it awkwardly, not wanting to impede on the kitchen that looked like the embodiment of “rainy with a chance of meatballs” (there was even sauce on the ceiling).

“Fuck cinnamon cookies, fuck ‘em,” the punk snarled, all but throwing the spoon into the sink. He looked up at Haise and snapped, “Who’s this?”

“The tenant from upstairs,” the first explained. “He got locked out, I’m gonna go get - ”

“Yoshisan is busy though,” the girl on the floor droned.

“Don’t call him ‘Yoshisan’! It’s creepy!” the punk snapped.

“Shirazu, please calm down,” the first pleaded.

“These cookies are pissing me off, Tooru!” Shirazu exclaimed angrily. He threw his finger at the girl. “And it’s all Saiko’s fault!”

“Noooo it’s noooot,” Saiko sighed.

Tooru turned an apologetic smile to Haise. “I’ll be right back.” With that, he turned and hurried down a darkened hall.

“So, what were you guys trying to make?” Haise decided to inquire.

Shirazu turned a skeptical look on him before softening. “Cinnamon cookies, the boss’ favorite. He works hard so we thought we’d try to do something for him.”

“Didn’t turn out so well,” Saiko chuckled quietly, earning a flick of batter to the face.

“He does stuff other than… be a landlord?” Haise asked dumbly.

Saiko and Shirazu exchanged hesitant looks.

“Well! Time for me to go to bed, goodnight, nice meeting you!” Saiko said cheerfully, jumping to her feet and fleeing down the hall, Shirazu shouting, “Wait!” to no avail.

After a moment of silence, Haise offered, “You don’t have to tell me if it’s secretive.”

Shirazu fell into one of the kitchen chairs, running a hand through his hair. “Eh, it’s not like that.”

“But it _is_ like that,” Haise corrected.

“Yeah, I mean, I _guess_?” Shirazu shrugged. “It’s whatever.”

“What’s your relationship with him, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Christ look at the time!” Shirazu exclaimed, leaping to his feet. “I’ve got shit to do at five, I gotta get to sleep!” He looked around the messy table before his eyes landed on Haise. “I’ll go check on Tooru, but hope you don’t mind waiting around a little longer?”

_He is… very obviously trying to dodge the subject here_ , Haise thought, amused. He smiled. “No worries, I don’t really have anywhere to be tomorrow morning.”

“Awesome! Good night then, nice meeting you.” Shirazu waved -- the punk vibe he gave off was definitely contradictory to his personality -- and headed down the same hallway as Saiko.

Alone, Haise sighed and leaned his head back against the wall. He tried to recall what the landlord was like based on the one time he had ever actually met him. The man had been nice, Haise remembered, but honestly Haise could barely recall anything specific. He was also sure he had never heard of Shirazu, Saiko, and Tooru living here before, either.

To distract himself from the circling thoughts, Haise turned his attention to the messy kitchen.

‘Messy’ was the wrong word. It was disastrous, ruinous, _catastrophic_ even. Dirty pots and pans were everywhere, food stained the table, walls, and ceiling. The grill and stove were charred and the sink was overflowing with dishes. Flour and sugar -- prominently, anyway -- covered the counters like snow, their whiteness broken by stains of vanilla extract and dusted with cinnamon.

“Wow,” he breathed, wondering how these people managed to live here.

Unable to help himself, he got to his feet and started removing the dishes from the sink, stacking them to the side, draining the dirty water, and refilling it with warm, soapy water. He then started washing them, because he honestly had nothing else to do and he may as well repay the kindness he had been shown (if it really counted as kindness, thought he was glad he didn’t have to spend the night on the stairs).

Once the basic dishes were done, he turned to the cooking utensils and bowls Shirazu and Saiko had been using. The batter was definitely beyond saving (just looking at it made Haise’s eyes water), so he dumped it out and scrubbed the bowl clean.

With most of the dishes done, he turned his attention to sweeping the dunes of flour, sugar, and other such things into a new trash bag before turning his attention to the egg and butter crusted across the counters. It took him about twenty minutes to clean just that, but he was satisfied with the work, and the kitchen definitely looked much better.

“Wow, haven’t seen the kitchen this clean in years,” a voice from Haise’s right said casually. He jumped and spun to find -

_He looked down to see a man -- the one who had been taking care of him? -- rubbing his eyes, sunflower hair a haphazard disaster._

_His skin was sun kissed, his sleepy eyes like melted chocolate, and there was a light scattering of freckles across his cheeks, nose, and shoulders._

“Ha, you look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Hideyoshi Nagachika laughed, stepping forward. He was dressed in sweatpants and a white tee splattered with kaleidoscopic paint. He tucked a strand of bright hair behind one ear as he took a seat at the clear table.

“I’m, ah, I’m sorry about cleaning your kitchen without permission!” Haise hurriedly apologised.

Hideyoshi only laughed more. “Do I look like I’m complaining? Really, those kids can’t take care of themselves and I can’t take care of them so this place is constantly a wreck. This is definitely a sight for sore eyes.”

“Well, ah, it was making my eyes sore too, so glad I could help,” Haise replied, relieved Hideyoshi wasn’t mad.

“So Mutsuki told me you lost your key? That sucks, in the middle of winter, too.”

Haise took a seat opposite Hideyoshi. “Yeah, sorry about that.”

“Don’t apologize! In fact, I should be the one apologizing.”

“…Why?”

He grinned. “Because I don’t have a spare!”

Haise stared at him hard. “You… don’t have a spare… for the person you’re renting out space too…”

“Yup!”

There was a long period of silence, Hideyoshi grinning innocently, before Haise asked, “So what am I going to do?”

“Depends on where this takes us.”

“Where what - ?” Haise starts, but is abruptly cut off by Hideyoshi reaching across the table, gripping the front of Haise’s shirt, and pulling him forward so their lips met in intense heat and an indiscernible passion.

_He closed the distance, their lips meeting in a soft kiss. The other’s lips were wet and he tasted salt._ Tears _. His free hand creeped forward and gripped the other’s shirt as he continued the kiss, urging it deeper, and the other’s mouth opened to him. He felt a hand caressing his cheek and the other left his hand to move to his back._

Haise gasped and pulled away, searching Hideyoshi’s face for answers, concerned when he found the same surprise on the other’s face as on his own.

A desperate longing sparked like a match in his stomach, a fire pooling there and climbing up his throat and into his head. Haise watched in slow motion as Hideyoshi leaned forward, his hand reaching to hover over Haise’s neck -

Haise wasn’t sure who started the kiss again. All he knew was that hands were touching skin and he could taste Hideyoshi’s tongue and _holy shit he was kissing his landlord_.

“Wait, wait,” he stammered, pulling away again. “Hideyoshi I can’t - ”

“Hide, call me Hide.”

“Hi… Hide.” Anything else Haise was going to say was lost with the feeling that _Hide_ felt way too familiar on his lips.

They’re lips fit too perfectly together.

They’re hands seemed to know where to roam.

It was all too familiar.

* * *

“You good over there, Sasaki?” Takizawa asked as he hefted a box from the floor onto the counter.

Haise, who stood with his elbows on the counter and his head in his hands, shrugged.

“Did something happen? Nightmares again?”

Haise shook his head.

“Then what’s going on?”

Haise remained quiet for a moment longer before muttering, “I slept with my landlord.”

“You did _what_?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao u didnt see that coming did u  
> (god bless seidou)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what is this ""slow burn""??  
> (welcome to the rated E)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter specific tags: #top!Hide, #bottom!Haise, #power bottom, #rimming ??, #blowjob, #delayed orgasm, #orgasm w/o touch..... hope I didn't miss any  
> (I really dont like putting this shit in the main tags like... this entire work isnt straight porn or anything so I'll just put chapter specific tags whenever this happens, that cool?)

“Okay. Details. Now.”

“You didn’t have to - ”

“ _Yeah_ , I kinda _had_ to. God, Sasaki, you can’t just look all mopey at work and then spit out that you slept with your landlord and _not_ expect me to drag you to dinner to get the details.”

Haise sighed. “And why are you so interested in my life?”

“I’m generally _not_ interested in your life, generally, it’s your _sex life_ I want to know about.”

“Is it just because you’ve never gotten laid?”

“We’re not talking about me here!” Takizawa slapped the table. “Now spill.”

Haise sighed -- again -- and absentmindedly twirled his straw around his glass of pepsi. “Well, I lost my key, was surprised to find my landlord was actually home, but he was busy so I talked to some of his, uh… roommates? I think?” He shrugged “After they all left the landlord came down - ”

“Oh, he came alright.”

“Takizawa. I will throw my glass at your head.”

Takizawa only snickered.

“And… he, uh…” Haise dropped his face into his hands. “K-k-ki… kiss-kissed me.”

“Sorry? Didn’t catch that?” Takizawa taunted and Haise threw his spoon at his coworker.

Feeling his face heat up, Haise continued to stammer, “And… one thing lead to another… and we, uh… slept… together…”

“Uh huh, I see…”

“You don’t see anything.”

“Excuse you, Haise Sasaki, but I can see what’s going on quite clearly.” Haise peeked through his hands to see Takizawa grinning mischievously at him. “You’re obviously lovers from the past, reunited once again through the spiritual power of fate.”

Haise narrowed his eyes. “You are so full of bullshit.”

Takizawa laughed.

“Full of it.”

“But I’m right.”

“Bullshit.”

“Nah.”

“You’re full of it.”

Takizawa splayed out his hands. “Look, what else do you want me to say? Do _you_ have an explanation?”

“…No.”

“Exactly! So. What are you going to do when you go home tonight?”

Haise felt his face flame.

**_“So I really don’t have a spare key. So… I mean, would it be weird if you stayed here until I got another key made?”_ **

**_“…Stay here?”_ **

**_“I mean, we don’t have… That is,_ this _doesn’t have to happen every night, but… if you… I wouldn’t be adverse to… or anything…”_**

“Oh. My. _God_.”

“Shut _up_ , Takizawa!”

“Are you guys in a relationship? Or just fuck-buddies? What is going on here?!”

“I don’t know!” Haise felt uncomfortably hot all over and was painfully aware of how crimson his face was. “I mean, he’s really nice and everything and… it wasn’t _bad_ sex or anything, but… he’s my _landlord_.”

“I think him being your landlord is the least of your problems right now, Sasaki.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Well I know what you’re going to do.”

_Oh god…_ “What am I going to do?”

“You’re going to go to call your landlord. You’re going to invite him to your favorite bar. You’re going to get him a drink. You’re going to take control of the situation -- something you _clearly_ did not do last night -- and you’re going to _attempt_ to sort out your feelings.”

“I’m not going to do that.”

“Yes you are.”

Haise shook his head. There was no way he was doing it.

* * *

He was doing it.

He was sitting at the Hanged Ghoul, incessently fidgeting, waiting for Hide to show up so they could have a late dinner together.

Touka had immediately read into his nervous demeanor and had provided small talk for a while, which helped settle his stomach a little bit, but when the time for Hide’s arrival drew closer she respectfully kept her distance.

10:00 came.

10:30 passed.

Haise tapped the table nervously.

11:00 came.

11:45 passed.

He tried to drown his worries in ‘Monochrome Rainbow.’

Midnight came.

1:00 AM passed.

Ayato slid into the seat opposite him. “Dude, I know we’re twenty-four hour and everything, but this is late, even for you. Touka told me you were waiting for someone, but like, I hate to break it to you, but you got stood up.”

Haise let his head fall to the table with a satisfyingly painful _thud_. “Yeah…”

“You didn’t call?”

“I was too nervous.”

“Seriously?!”

“What was I supposed to say if I did?” He raised his head and gestured his hands aimlessly. “‘Hey, wondering where you are, I know we just had sex last night and this dinner was somewhat short notice, but we really need to talk about this so neither of us get emotionally attached to an idea that may never happen.’ Something like that?”

“Whoa whoa whoa, you’re telling me this was suppose to be a _date_?!”

Haise groaned and buried his face in his hands once more.

“Fucking romantics,” Ayato sighed, sliding out of the seat and walking away.

**_“I want sunflowers.”_ **

**_“Those don’t smell like anything!”_ **

**_“I think it’s more for the symbolism.”_ **

_The dark haired boy sighed._ **_“Fucking romantics.”_ **

Haise rubbed his temples and hefted himself to his feet, shrugging his coat over his shoulders.

When he was at the door, Touka approached him. “No show?” she asked quietly.

He sighed. “Yeah. I mean, I’ll have to see him anyway since I’m still locked out of my apartment…”

“You can always stay at my place if you want.”

He smiled. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed, but I have to face him sooner or later. May as well be now.”

She smiled kindly. “I always admired that about you. Good luck, Sasaki.”

* * *

Haise took a deep breath and knocked on the door, silencing the familiar commotion beyond it.

A moment later, Shirazu’s voice exclaimed, “You fucked up, Hide, you really fucked this up!”

“Ahh, don’t be mean, Shichan,” Saiko droned.

“It’s almost two in the _goddamn morning_! Your date was _five fucking hours ago_!”

Hide then shouted, “Shit shit _shit_! Everyone out, get out of here! If I see anyone of you you’re getting a foot to the dick!”

“I don’t have a diiiiiick.”

“TO THE CLITORIS!”

“WATCH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH, HIDESAN!”

There was some banging, tripping, more shouting, then silence. Haise felt panicky.

The door opened to reveal Hide dressed in a nice shirt and slacks, hair half slicked back in an attempt to tame the otherwise unruly curls, and generally smelling like some kind of fancy perfume.

Haise’s eyes widened in shock.

“Uh, hi…” Hide started awkwardly, straightening, shifting his weight, fingers twisting together. “So… I guess I lost track of time?”

It took a moment for Haise to find his words. “Doing… this…?” His eyes swept over the formal clothing that suited Hide like a second skin.

Redness crept up the other’s neck. “Well, I wanted to make a good impression… Or something…”

Haise brought his hand up in a futile attempt to mask the crimson blossoming across his face. Heat was flooding his body, starting in his stomach and branching through every nerve. He couldn’t quite explain to himself why he felt this way -- it was almost as if he had been in love with this man his entire life.

In love?

_He admitted to himself the following morning that he was not in love with Hide. He wasn’t entirely sure how he felt, but he was certain it wasn’t anything romantic. To him, Hide was like a saving grace, someone who had not seen him as a monster. He had been fully prepared to never see Hide ever again, but that was before --_

The thought cut off abruptly.

Haise didn’t know anymore. He couldn’t tell if he was head-over-heels in love with the awkward man blushing before him, or if it was just some part of him longing to feel that way again.

But did it really matter?

“I, um, hope you’re not mad at me,” Hide said quietly.

_I could never be mad at you._

Haise’s hand shot forward, curling around the back of Hide’s neck, hooking him forward so their lips met in a messy, rushed, but longing kiss. The gesture spoke the words Haise could not, his tongue translating the syllables directly into Hide’s welcoming mouth.

Hide’s hands wrapped around Haise’s waist, pulling him forward into the room so the door slammed shut behind him.

And Haise hadn’t realized how cold he was until he was enveloped in Hide’s heat. He couldn’t pull away to even ask where they were stumbling or why Hide felt as inexplicably inclined to touch and kiss as Haise did.

They careened into a room lit only by a lamp near the bed, a room Haise could only vaguely remember from the night before, but then the room had been completely dark and Haise’s head had been filled with too many confusing thoughts.

Granted, his head was still filled with confusing thoughts, but for some reason, this time, Haise felt a little more at ease -- a little more confident -- with the situation.

Hide felt like home.

The back of Haise’s knees hit the edge of the bed and he fell backwards, grabbing Hide’s loose tie to keep them close together as Hide climbed over him, peppering kisses down Haise’s chin and neck, fingers tearing at his collar to expose more skin. Haise gasped as Hide’s teeth bit gently down on the skin below his collarbone.

“H-Hide,” Haise stammered as Hide pressed his knee between Haise’s legs, working friction against the pressure building there.

“I’m - I’m sorry,” Hide said, breaking off and pressing his forehead against Haise’s chest. “That I didn’t make it to the dinner. I don’t have… a great sense of time.”

Haise’s raised his fingers to Hide’s hair, running them through the soft, golden locks that were like rays of sunshine incarnate. “It’s alright.”

Despite his innocent words, when Hide brought his eyes level with Haiese’s, Haise couldn’t help but notice how _hungry_ they were, their chocolate color dark with desire and suppressed longing.

Tauntingly slowly, Hide leaned forward until his lips hovered over Haise’s. As Haise leaned up, Hide leaned back, so he whined and leaned forward more. Hide chuckled and pushed Haise away, holding his arms down, separating them more.

“Stay like that,” Hide demanded lowly, and Haise found himself unable to move. He watched as Hide sat back on his hips, fingers working at the tie, whipping it off with a hiss and tossing it to the side.

Haise had to curl his fingers tightly into the sheets as he resisted disobeying Hide, suffocating the urge to undo Hide’s shirt buttons himself.

Hide undressed himself in a very seductive way, as if he knew exactly how long to linger on each button to drive Haise crazy, but not crazy enough to make him break the verbal restraints. Hide slipping his shirt off tantalizingly, revealing taught muscles and smooth skin, was torture for the pressure burning between Haise’s thighs, and he squirmed under Hide’s weight, trying to relieve even an ounce of the building desire.

“H-Hide,” Haise whined, turning his head to the side as if not being able to see anything would help.

He could hear the grin in Hide’s voice. “Impatient?” He moved closer, his breath tickling Haise’s face, taking advantage of his exposed neck to kiss hard. Hide’s hand came out to hold down Haise’s wrists, sliding their hips together as the heat in the room grew. Haise couldn’t help the little whimpers that slipped from his mouth; he clenched his teeth in resistance, but that only turned the whimpers into hisses.

Hide sucked his way from Haise’s jaw to the corner of his mouth, resting there until Haise finally turned his head to meet their lips. Hungry for pleasure, Haise deepened the kiss, enjoying how their tongues came together, mumbled words exchanged amix quiet moans.

When they pulled away, they found themselves breathing heavily not from lack of air, but rather from the intense heat coursing through their bodies. Haise could feel his boxers slick and sticky with precum, the pressure against his pants driving him crazy. Hide didn’t fare much better.

“Do you want this?” Hide panted, voice betraying that there was something more behind his expression. “Me? And everything that comes with?”

Haise was confused by the question, but he propped himself up a little anyway and said with full confidence, “I know -- I don’t know how, but I know -- that you would accept all my baggage, so I accept all of yours.”

_And he felt free. With Hide, he didn’t have to divide who he was, because for once the ‘him’ with black hair and the ‘him’ with white hair were loved equally and unconditionally._

Haise could never decide where these memories came from, but they felt familiar.

Familiar and… comforting.

Hide’s hands ran down Haise’s sides, thumbs hooking under his pants to work them over his hips, at long last granting Haise some relief from the pressure. As Haise kicked them off from around his ankles, Hide slid his own pants off and shoved them aside, bending to trail hot kisses down Haise’s stomach, stopping just below the belly button.

He locked eyes with Haise, and when Haise nodded, Hide wasted no time in wrapping his mouth over the head of Haise’s painfully hard length. Haise gasped at the overstimulation, hands curling in Hide’s hair, attempting to move Hide’s head at a pace that satisfied his desires.

But Hide wasn’t going to let Haise control the momentum. He moved his head to his own pace, sucking and licking with a prestige Haise had never experienced before.

All too soon Hide raised his head, but only so he could move one hand to Haise’s face, gently stroking it before pressing his thumb into Haise’s mouth. Impatient, though, Haise guided another of Hide’s fingers in after the thumb, taking both, working his tongue over their lengths and tips to generously lubricate them.

“Don’t worry,” Hide breathed in Haise’s ear, gently pulling his fingers away, “I have actual lube for the real thing.”

“As long as it’s not - ”

_The man sighed._ **_“Very well. As I said, this would be Nagachika’s first time, and since you’re the experienced one here, you’ll have to take the lead.”_ ** _He felt the other man shrug._ **_“Remember to prep him before entering, do it slowly so his ass doesn’t hurt after, wear protection, use anything for lube as long as it’s not a food topping or hand-sanitizer.”_ **

_He grimaced._ **_“Please tell me that’s not from personal experience.”_ **

**_“Not the hand-sanitizer.”_ **

**_“Gross.”_ **

“ - hand sanitizer we should be fine.”

“What - what the fuck,” Hide laughed, lowering his head and trying to still the shaking in his shoulders. “Where did that come from?”

Haise chuckled, but it cut off in a gasp as he felt Hide’s finger circling his entrance, teasing the tense skin. Haise ached to feel it inside him, but he knew that one finger, or even two, wouldn’t quench the burning desire.

“I - I don’t… know,” Haise breathed.

Hide eased the finger in, gently letting Haise’s body accept it. Haise’s toes curled until their knuckles cracked, and he bent his knees as he adjusted to the feeling -- but it still wasn’t _enough_.

“Mm hmm,” Hide hummed.

“H-Hide, please,” Haise begged.

Hide only leaned back and lowered his lips to the inside of Haise’s thigh, kissing the skin while urging his finger deeper.

“L-Look at me,” Haise demanded, fingers twisting in Hide’s hair. When Hide didn’t immediately raise his head, Haise pulled it up himself, forcing their eyes to lock over his panting chest.

“Don’t - don’t make me wait,” he said, voice a mix of a demand, a plea, and a statement.

It felt like he had been waiting forever.

Long before this night.

Hide’s eyes widened before he lurched forward, meeting their lips and wrapping his arms around Haise’s waist to lift him up and move him backwards, further up the bed. As Hide busied his hands to the side, Haise tangled his fingers more in Hide’s hair, turning his head this way and that, trying to find best position to kiss.

Hide wrapped his arms under Haise’s hips, lifting them against his own. The second time Haise felt Hide near his entrance, he thought it was another finger, but a moment later he realized the pressure was wider, covered in a cool substance. He gasped against Hide’s mouth as Hide slowly eased his way inside Haise, gently pushing and pulling.

Too gently.

Laying back, Haise wrapped his legs around Hide’s hips, forcing him in further. Hide’s body jumped in surprise, and he made an attempt to slow down, but Haise forced the pace to quicken, raising his hips more to rock them back and forth as pleasure thrummed through his body. Hide buried his face against Haise’s neck, distractedly laying kissed against Haise’s thumping pulse.

Puzzled together like this felt too familiar.

Pressed so close, the friction of sweat-covered skin was the only stimulation for Haise’s neglected length. Added to the pressure from waiting for too long, Haise felt his orgasm approaching in a matter of moments after Hide fully entered him -- but it wasn’t until Hide hit Haise’s prostate that color danced across his vision and he came hard. And with Hide gasping Haise’s name in his ear, he pulled out seconds before cuming himself.

Heavy breaths filled the otherwise silent room -- Haise never really realized rooms remained quiet during sex, it felt as if the world should be moaning along with them, no matter how ridiculous such a notion was.

After a moment, Hide rolled the condom off and, tossing it away, fell to his side next to Haise.

“You know,” Hide started after a minute, “I always thought what to say after sex is awkward.”

Haise snorted. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, like… what should I say? Should I ask you if it was _good_?”

“Yeah, it was good.”

“Would you do it again?”

“I thought _this_ was ‘again’.”

“I am sorry about missing dinner.”

“I think you made up for it.”

“Awesome.”

Haise laughed. “See, you’re making conversation just fine.”

Hide threw a pillow at him.

About half an hour later, Haise decided he should have butt-naked pillow fights more often -- only with Hide, though.

* * *

“Ah, can you hear it?” Saiko sighed blissfully. “Yoshisan and Maman going at it like rabbits.”

“I am never _ever_ stepping into that room ever again,” Shirazu sighed, bending his head and covering his ears with his hands.

“But we really haven’t ever seen Hide this happy,” Tooru tried. “I mean, we _have_ seen him happy, but not like this.”

“It’s because he’s in looooove,” Saiko sang.

“Yeah, but like - ” Shirazu started.

“Shirazu…” Tooru interrupted, keeping his eyes down at the coffee table. “Let’s not… talk about that. Not yet. Just let him be happy -- even if it’s only for right now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (•⊙ω⊙•)
> 
> “...the friction of sweat-covered skin was the only stimulation for his DILAPIDATED length.”  
> I LITERALLY ALMOST WROTE THAT  
> E N D M E


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i fucking love emojis (´･ω･`)  
> i also love power bottoms  
> and body worship  
> and sin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter specific tags: #power bottom, #riding, #body worship  
> look more sexe~  
> but also fear

**_“Hide, what the_ fuck _are you doing?!”_**

_He turned to Ayato, angry tears streaming down his blood and dirt stained face._ **_“I have to help her! She’s going to die if I don’t!”_ **

**_“It’s too late, look around you!”_ **

_Hide did look around him. He had been looking around him. He knew where he was all too well._

_And still…_

**_“Hide!”_ **

_He hefted himself to his feet as gunfire exploded over his head, rushing to where the young girl lay sprawled to one side, blood pouring from a shrapnel wound in her chest. It appeared to have missed her heart, but it has certainly punctured a lung, and now she struggled to breathe._

**_“You crazy_ fucking _bastard,”_** _Ayato shouted, coming up behind him to cover his back._ **_“This is insanity!”_ **

**_“And this isn’t?”_ ** _Hide shot back, gesturing to the chaos around them._

**_“Need I remind you that_ you _signed up for this shit?!”_** _the other boy snapped, firing at an approaching enemy._ **_“Yomo gave the order to fall back, why are you still doing this?”_ **

**_“Because I'm a goddamn_ doctor _! It’s my_ job _!”_**

**_“Fuck your ethics, we’re all going to die if we don’t leave_ right now _.”_**

_A grenade went off a couple meters away, showering Ayato and Hide in dirt and a random, bloody arm. Hide flinched and knocked it away, spraying Ayato and himself with just a bit more blood._

_Ayato continued to curse, Hide continued to assess the damage done to the girl’s chest._

**_“I don’t have enough medical supplies, she needs an actual hospital.”_ **

**_“No fucking way are we calling the cops! We’re already in deep shit!”_ **

**_“And you told me this was going to be a_ raid _, not a_ massacre _!”_**

**_“Well I was_ wrong _!”_**

_Hide could hear the strain in Ayato’s voice -- he was equally betrayed._

_Hide gripped the girl’s hand._ **_“Who’s left?”_ **

_Ayato took a deep breath._ **_“Radio is down, Nishio must’ve been swarmed, but he was with Touka and Yomo so he should be fine -- but we’ll have to wait until after the gunfire”_ ** _\-- he cut off as he shot an enemy running towards them --_ **_“ceases.”_ **

**_“Chances of winning?”_ **

**_“I’m not fucking Kaneki, I can’t hypothesize this shit!”_ **

_Hide finally whirled around._ **_“Do not bring him into this!”_ **

_Another grenade, this time two hands rained down on them. Ayato knelt and gripped Hide’s shoulder._ **_“We need to hide, we need to get out of here.”_ **

**_“But the girl - ”_ **

**_“She’s already dead!”_ **

_Ayato was right, but Hide didn’t want to accept that._

_But he would have to._

_He let Ayato drag him to his feet, just managing to grab his medical bag before he lost it forever. They stumbled across the dark battlefield, dodging gunfire, bodies, and explosions. Hide couldn’t tell who was on who’s side any more, everyone was just firing at anything that moved._

**_“That crazy bastard,”_ ** _Ayato was cursing the whole time, and Hide knew Ayato wasn’t cursing at him._

_No one had seen this coming, honestly._

 

_Several hours later after hiding behind an abandoned car, with the sunlight beginning to peek over the foggy horizon, all noise ceased._

_Sitting in the cold, muddy ground, Ayato and Hide huddled together for warmth, confused by the quiet atmosphere and gentle chirping of the birds._

Click.

_They raised tired eyes to see a familiar face staring forlornly down at them. Chie slowly lowered the camera, mousy hair plastered around her face from rain and sweat._

**_“Ch - ”_ ** _Hide started._

_She held a finger to her lips._ **_“I won’t tell Shuu.”_ ** _With that, she walked away._

* * *

 Hide awoke to the scent of bacon.

A scent he had not smelled in years.

He immediately knew it couldn’t be Tooru, because Tooru could only make instant-noodles and cereal. It definitely wasn’t Shirazu because Shirazu burned water. And it couldn’t be Saiko because Saiko couldn’t cook -- she could make fillet mignon in any video game, but in real life such attempts were simply disastrous.

And Urie… well… Hide was pretty sure Urie had never been in the kitchen before.

Hefting himself from the bed, he eased himself into some pants and a shirt and headed down the hall to the kitchen.

Haise stood at the stove, expertly preparing a feast of bacon, french toast, and hashbrowns.

It smelled heavenly.

Saiko, Shirazu, and Tooru sat at the tabling staring with a mix of disbelief and wonder. Once registering Hide standing in the doorway, Saiko stood slowly from her seat, shuffled over to Hide, and rested her head on his chest.

“Can we keep this one?” she murmured.

“Oh we are keeping this one,” Hide replied.

* * *

  _we’re out!!!!!!!!! (* ´д_ ｀ _*)_

Hide frowned at the message. Setting down the book we was reading, he picked up his phone and replied:

_out of what? (_ ⊙ ︿⊙ _)_

The response was quick.

_lubricant!!!! ((((_ ゜ _д_ ゜ _)))_

Hide couldn’t think for a moment before frantically typing:

_u work @ a convenience store??? how?!?!?!_

_our stock didnt come in today so…? we have almost nothing!!! (°_ ロ _°) not even cereal!!!_

Hide looked around the room trying to think of a solution. Should he see what he could scavenge from the old bottle? No, Tooru had taken out the trash earlier. Could he find something else? He thought of hand-sanitizer and shuddered. Have less sex? God no.

Hide phone buzzed and he hurriedly read the message.

_its okay i have a plan_ ☆ _d(o_ ⌒ ∇ ⌒ _o)b_

_what???_

_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )_

_(_ ಠ ___ ಠ _)_

Hide became worried.

* * *

 Hide had begun to notice some of Haise’s habits, especially when he made dinner.

Haise often switched between being able to grab things without a second glance, as if by pure muscle memory he knew where things were.

And then other time his eyes followed his hand’s every action, watching from where they reached for something or mixed things together.

Hide doubted Haise could explain it himself.

When dinner was over, Saiko insisted she show Haise her latest character creation, throwing out a series of facts and relationships no one could follow. Hide waited impatiently around the living room, making small talk with Tooru and Shirazu about books and dinner.

“I like his food, it’s good,” Tooru praised.

“He is good,” Hide agreed absentmindedly.

“Definitely tastes good,” Shirazu agreed.

“He does taste good.”

It took a moment for Hide to realize Tooru and Shirazu were staring at him.

He turned to them with a raised eyebrow. “What?”

Shirazu shook his head and walked away. “Fucking nasty.”

Tooru laughed awkwardly and said, “I’ll get Saiko.”

A minute later, Haise was walking over with an apologetic smile. “Sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt her, she’s pretty passionate about Isabel and Merrill.”

“You have had me on the edge of my seat all day,” Hide said, resting his hands on Haise’s hips. “What exactly do you have planned?”

Haise smirked. “Let’s just get to your room.”

Hide let Haise lead the way, their fingers loosely intertwined. When they entered the room, Hide pushed the door closed as Haise flicked on a light.

“How much longer do I have to wait?” Hide teased as he took off his shirt.

Haise smirked as he turned to face Hide, running his fingers through Hide’s hair slowly.

“Come here,” Haise whispered, pulling Hide by his belt loops to the bed, turning to push Hide onto his back.

“Pants,” Haise said. Hide nodded and quickly kicked them off as Haise slipped out of his own clothes.

“What are we - ?”

“Shh,” Haise said, climbing over Hide and placing a finger over his lips. “Just… close your eyes.” He put his hand gently over Hide’s eyes, the touch hovering. Hide did as told, fingers curling in the sheet as he wondered just what Haise had planned.

Haise’s breath moved down Hide’s body, making him shiver. It paused between his legs, but then moved on. After a moment, he felt Haise’s mouth surround one of his toes, sucking gently.

It startled him -- and kind of tickled -- and he jerked his foot back. “Haise what are you - ?”

“You’re beautiful, Hide.”

Hide’s words evaporated from his tongue.

“Everytime I look at you… it’s like the first time. Sometimes I can’t remember what you look like, even though I just saw you in the morning.”

“What do you - ?”

Haise pushed himself up over Hide’s body, bringing their faces close, and Hide could see an unanswerable, emotional pain on Haise’s face. “So please…”

Hide placed his hands on either side of Haise’s head and nodded. He didn’t fully understand, he probably didn’t even understand one-percent of what Haise was saying, but even so he was okay with that.

What resonated within Haise, whatever unexplainable thing that was, resonated within Hide, too. Hide had felt it for a while -- a feeling akin to an empty photo album or a puzzled box he couldn’t open. The feeling had never bothered him until he had met Haise.

That is, until he had _really_ met Haise.

Haise placed a light kiss on Hide’s forehead, followed by one on his nose, and then one on his chin. Haise continued to pepper kisses down Hide’s throat and chest, each light and quick, each igniting a small spark of tantalizing pleasure. Haise traced the line of kisses down Hide’s thigh and calf before stopping on his inner ankle.

Haise placed his mouth back over Hide’s toe, and this time Hide didn’t pull away. He flinched because, yes, because it tickled, but after a moment the ticklish feeling ceased. Hide had to admit he had never gotten off to one of his toes being sucked, but he vaguely remembered Saiko mentioning “toe sucking” from one of her “online novels” when she asked if Urie had a foot fetish.

Hide’s train of thought was broken, somewhat violently, by Haise emitting a small moan. Hide’s eyes snapped open and glanced down to see Haise prostate near Hide’s feet, one arm supporting himself around Hide’s foot, the other -

_Oh._

Holy shit Haise was -

_Christ._

Hide wasn’t sure he had ever been more crimson in his life.

_Gods_ , _he_ wanted to be doing that.

“Hai - Haise,” Hide stammered, scrunching his toes to get the other’s attention. “Why - why are you doing that if - if - ” _if we can put it in anyway?_

Haise’s smile was so pure Hide felt like going straight to hell. “A friend had a little extra.”

Hide frowned. “What the fuck does that mean?!”

Haise stuck out his tongue, first as a tease, then to lick the bottom part of Hide’s foot, sending shivers scampering up his spine.

Slowly, Haise started working his way up Hide’s leg, sprinkling kisses over his knee before coming to rest at his inner thigh, sucking and pulling at the sensitive skin. Hide would never have guessed he would be so turned on by something like that.

Haise raised his eyes to meet Hide’s, and Hide was taken aback by how dark with desire they had become.

_I want all of you_ they screamed.

Haise sat back, moving to align their hips, and Hide propped himself up to watch in slight wonder as Haise unrolled the condom before bringing his hand, covered in lube -- probably something else he had been hiding at the end of the bed -- and worked his hand over Hide’s length.

Only he did it with that same, tantalizingly light touch as when he had been spreading kisses over Hide’s skin. It made the fire in Hide’s veins only burn hotter. Almost instinctively, one of Hide’s hand moved to grip Haise’s thigh as tight as he could.

Without any more foreplay, Haise guided Hide into himself, and Hide was surrounded by that familiar, burning pressure, the first relief he had gotten since Haise had dragged him into the room.

“You’re like the sun, Hide,” Haise gasped as he slowly started working himself up and down. “You are so bright. You’re just…” Haise’s hand trailed down Hide’s chin, tenderly, lovingly. “You’re so easy to love - ” Haise’s voice cut short in an unholy moan and Hide’s breath hissed out.

Hide forced himself up, knocking Haise back a little, and wrapped his arms around Haise’s waist. Hide kissed Haise’s chest as Haise continued panting praise, such heavenly praise Hide didn’t feel he deserved.

Haise’s hands rested on Hide’s shoulders as additional support as he increased the pace, riding Hide’s harder as his words became more jumbled, more gasps and moans than intelligible phrases. Hide pressed kisses across Haise’s chest and neck, biting and sucking at the skin as his mind tried to piece together how different this was from their usual nights and how much he loved it.

“H - Hide,” Haise gasped, voice a mix of pleasure and a… different kind of pain. Hide gripped Haise’s waist tighter and forced him to slow down so he could gather his words. Haise didn’t resist. “Sometimes… sometimes I see scars, they’re everywhere, all over you.” Haise’s fingers curled into themselves and his voice choked on -

Tears?

“You’re really really hurt and there’s blood everywhere. Hide, there’s nothing I can do because I’m… I’m…”

Two scenes blossomed into color in Hide’s mind.

_Other than the one currently hidden on his chest, the most prominent scar was the one on Kaneki’s cheek. It arched from his cheekbone down to his mouth. Several other, small, pink blotches dotted his skin, neck, and shoulders. Hide had treated each of them in turn, but the one on Kaneki’s chest still worried him. Whatever had caused the burn, it had torn away at the skin like acid._

Who was Kaneki?

_When everyone arrived, Hide found the street scattered with yellow and pink petals, like spring had passed through this one intersection, ignoring that the rest of the city was morphing into winter. A wind picked them up and let them drift from sidewalk to sidewalk, some resting on the toes of Hide’s sneakers._

Who was dead?

“Haise, Haise, Haise,” Hide gasped, gripping the other’s skin, pressing his head to the other’s chest, listening to and _relishing_ the sound of the heartbeat. “Haise, you’re _alive_.”

Haise nodded against the top of Hide’s head. “I am. I am.”

“So just _kiss me_.”

Haise didn’t wait. He bent his head and kissed, opening his mouth and biting Hide’s lip, hands roaming, murmuring love and praise, both of them losing their anxiety and fear of the past on each other’s lips. Hide began to work his hand over Haise’s length, and only a few moments later they were both holding each other through their orgasms, groaning the other’s name is hot ecstasy.

Hide had to lift Haise off of him, laying him to the side where he worked to regain his breath. Sliding off the bed, Hide got a damp washcloth from the bathroom -- for the millionth time he thanked the gods he had a room with a private bathroom -- and returned to wipe sweat and seman off the both of them.

“Hide?” Haise asked quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Did… did you bite my nipple?”

Hide thought hard for a moment before replying, “Maybe?”

Haise smirked before his face fell again. “Say… do you ever remember things? Like, things that have nothing to do with the life you’re living?”

**_“You know, you’re my favorite, you remind me of one of my previous favorites. Now this person was a gem, I’ve never met someone quite so eager to sacrifice themselves.”_ ** _Something cold brushed against Hide’s stomach._ **_“In fact, word has it they’re still in the city. Maybe I’ll get to them again -- I would like that.”_ **

“Yeah,” Hide breathed.

Haise took Hide’s hand, holding it tight. “Whenever that happens, just say ‘shut up and kiss me,’ because doing that… feels so right.”

Hide’s breath caught in his throat.

**_“Nagachika? Are you still here?”_ **

**_“Not yet, Nagachika, you were starting to be so promising.”_ **

“Shut up and kiss me.”

* * *

  _Saiko was laying on the ground, pain blossoming through her body like some kind of nuclear flower. She wasn’t sure how she had gotten there, but she understood that she was there now. Everything was very dark, the black canvas occasionally broken by fireworks of light. Sounds were muffled and coming from all directions. She was confused._

**_“You crazy_ fucking _bastard,”_** _someone, a man, shouted, the first clear sound she had heard in… hours?_ **_“This is insanity!”_ **

**_“And this isn’t?”_ ** _a second man replied curtly, venomously._

**_“Need I remind you that_ you _signed up for this shit?!”_** _the other boy snapped. Gunshots echoed, far too close._ **_“Yomo gave the order to fall back, why are you still doing this?”_ **

**_“Because I'm a goddamn_ doctor _!”_** _A doctor? Could he help her?_ **_“It’s my_ job _!”_**

**_“Fuck your ethics”_ ** _\-- well that was rude --_ **_“we’re all going to die if we don’t leave_ right now _.”_**

_There was an explosion nearby. Saiko felt the heat flood over her body, and the silhouette of a man leaning over her was briefly visible._

**_“I don’t have enough medical supplies, she needs an actual hospital.”_ **

**_“No fucking way are we calling the cops! We’re already in deep shit!”_ **

**_“And you told me this was going to be a_ raid _, not a_ massacre _!”_**

**_“Well I was_ wrong _!”_**

_The betrayal was clear as day in the first man’s voice. It brought a long silence between the two. Saiko struggled to say something, but her tongue felt fat and useless._

**_“Who’s left?”_ **

There are others? _she thought._

**_“Radio is down,”_ ** _the first man started,_ **_“Nishio must’ve been swarmed, but he was with Touka and Yomo so he should be fine -- but we’ll have to wait until after the gunfire”_ ** _\-- he cut short as a round of gunfire went off --_ **_“ceases.”_ **

**_“Chances of winning?”_ **

**_“I’m not fucking Kaneki, I can’t hypothesize this shit!”_ **

_She wondered who Kaneki was._

**_“Do not bring him into this!”_ ** _the second shouted._

_The conversation was cut off again by a second grenade, only this time she only felt cold._

_She wanted to leave._

**_“We need to hide, we need to get out of here.”_ **

Take me with you!

**_“But the girl - ”_ **

Yes, me!

**_“She’s already dead!”_ **

…No, I’m not.

 

_Saiko wasn’t sure when the darkness fully enveloped her, but she decided that dying was like falling asleep in the most comfortable bed. Images of her mother flashed across her mind like lucid dreams. She saw the old, big house outside of the city. She saw all the men who came and left. She saw the pot of stew boiling over. She saw the blood splattered across the wall._

_She saw the man who had killed her mother._

_A man who looked like heaven’s personal reaper. Some kind of Holy Executioner._

_And then she woke up._

 

**_“Saiko! Get up it’s almost two in the afternoon!”_ **

_What?_

_Someone pulled curtains aside, letting blinding sunlight spill into the room. Saiko blinked and shielded her eyes, sitting up in a comfortable bed. She found herself wrapped in a dark, purple quilt in a room filled with figurines of characters she liked and posters of video games she had played._

_A tall man with hair like the sun stood over the bed, grinning at her._ **_“Well? Ready for lunch?”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ┬┴┬┴┤( ͡° ͜ʖ├┬┴┬┴
> 
> also sorry for like lots of typos i recently lost my editor and well??? i have to do all the editing and i cry


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything Is Terrible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SO SO FREAKING SORRY LIKE HOLY SHIT I had writers block and it was a bitch and Im literally crying over this shame and aaaaaggghhh!!
> 
> !! IMPORTANT !!  
> • if you have not read ["Farewell, My Corona"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4465307/chapters/10146776) \- _go read that now or a majority of this will make not make any fucking sense and we cant have that_  
>  • there are ##graphic depictions of violence## in this chp u have been forewarned  
> • this whole chp is super disorganized but like? in a plot way?

Haise awoke with a sharp, painful breath and the lingering images of a dream.

_Blood blood pain torture pain torture darkness darkness darkness -_

“Haise?” Hide sat up groggily beside him, rubbing at his eyes. “Is something wrong?”

Haise opened his mouth, but as he tried to recall the dream his throat tightened and all he could do was whine and choke on an unsuspecting sob. He dropped his head into his hands as Hide wrapped his arms around Haise’s shivering shoulders – skin familiarly warm.

After a moment, Haise’s fingers snaked out to curl around Hide’s wrists, digging his nails in, unaware of how it might hurt – he just needed to solidify himself in the moment. As his breathing slowed and the beating of his heart felt less harsh, Haise forced on relaxing the rest of his body.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Hide murmured against his hair.

Haise took a deep breath, as if imprinting Hide’s scent in his mind. “I… don’t remember it,” he finally said, words surprisingly clear.

“Shut up and kiss me?”

Haise swallowed and nodded. “Shut up and kiss me.”

* * *

Takizawa, of course, knew everything. He had taken to accompanying Haise after work to the Hanged Ghoul, getting a beer or two as he chattered on about family matters, his dog, and how beautiful Touka was. 

“How come you never told me such a beauty worked here? And you're _friends_ with her? You are a lucky guy, my man.”

Haise always just rolled his eyes.

And it was because of Touka that Takizawa started becoming a regular at the bar, even on nights when Haise wasn't there. So much so that Touka started to greet him by his order.

“Tap beer?” she asked one night, though they both knew it was hardly a question. Takizawa smiled brightly and nodded.

He took a seat near the wall where he could watch everything – a seat Haise didn’t like since he felt it was too visible – and grinned when Touka brought the bear over. He took a hearty drink from it, relishing the bitter taste down his throat after a long work day (eleven hours of work was long and draining even if all you were doing was standing there trying to look busy). Closing his tired eyes, Takizawa leaned back in the chair and let the alcohol go straight to his head, ordering a second once his first mug was emptied.

The door to the bar opened, letting in a wash of freezing, sobering wind. Takizawa forced his eyes to focus on the newcomer.

Who happened to be Haise.

Takizawa was about to wave and greet him, but something on Haise’s face was… different than how it usually was, even on Haise’s bad days. Takizawa decided, then, to do the opposite of draw attention to himself: he sunk in his chair and kept his head low.

And he was successful, or maybe just lucky, as Haise drifted right past him and, as if mechanically, took his usual seat in the back. Takizawa tried to get his tipsy eyes to focus, but it was hard and took a lot of willpower.

Immediately, Touka was walking over with her usual waitress pad to take Haise’s usual order, but she paused when she came to his table. One look – one look was all she gave him before dropping into the seat next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

_What’s… going on…?_ Takizawa’s thoughts slurred. He scootched a little further up in his seat, trying to get a better look. _Nightmares again, maybe?_ Takizawa had to admit that Haise’s look reminded him of those days Haise came into work looking haunted – only, this time, ten times worse. Why were the edges of his vision blurring again?

Their conversation was nothing but mutters and small, fleeting touches. Takizawa frowned. _Hey, back off, that’s Hide’s man. …I’m assuming anyway._

Haise dropped his hands into his face. Touka pried them away. Takizawa squinted harder. What was going on? Oh man, he really wanted to know!

The distance between the two narrowed. Takizawa leaned forward. What were they talking about now - ?

Oh, they weren’t talking, just kissing.

_Kissing?!_

Takizawa’s shock sent him reeling back, landing hard on the floor, chair clattering loudly to its side. He shook his head vigorously, trying to clear the fog in his mind, and looked up to find Haise and Touka staring right at him.

* * *

_In his mind, blood was a harmonious element that complimented everything, be it mixed with cigar smoke curling from meaty lips to the color dripping down the old brick walls._

Haise’s mind was on _fire_ and he didn’t know _why_. Random thoughts and memories were no stranger to him, memories of things from… well… not _this_ life, to say the least. They made him want to believe in reincarnation, rebirth, or something like that (Haise never pegged himself as the religious type). But something about these memories… these vivid images… was _different_.

_The blade’s touch vanished._ **_“So you’re working for the police now?”_ **

**_“They need my help.”_ **

_He chuckled._ **_“I still want to paint with your blood.”_ **

Police… Blood… Where were these coming from? And why were they coming up like a flood _now_? Ever since he had -

\- had met… Hide.

_Eagerness was starting to simmer in his abdomen, barely contained. With each step it heated, threatening to take control of his actions. His bloodlust was gnawing at his chest and mind, demanding to be quenched._

Sometimes, an insatiable urge to protect someone rose like an unstoppable flood – oncoming, inescapable, and terrifying.

Why terrifying?

He explained as much to Touka one night.

“Maybe because it’s a foreign feeling? You’re not used to… being in love?” The word stuck in her throat, too obviously.

Haise hadn’t been in the Hanged Ghoul bar in ages, since he was spending all his time with Hide – and by spending time he meant making love, which seemed to be everything they did, which also bothered Haise, because he wanted something more. Sure, the sex was great and obviously meaningful, but there was something, just, _more_ that Haise desired.

“I don’t know, Touka… I’m too tired to think about anything nowadays.”

“You have plenty of people to talk to, Haise. You can talk to me, Ayato, hell you could even talk to Irimi if you got here any earlier.”

“Sure, but would would I _say_? I’m in love? I’m not in love?”

Yet that wasn’t what was bothering him. Love? No, not something as trivial as _love_. What he was experiencing was fear, horror, crippling anxiety over a life he had never lived, over memories and déjà vu feelings that weren’t his.

And he had spent the last twelve hours repeating that to himself.

These memories weren’t his, these memories weren’t his, these memories weren’t his, these memories weren’t his, these memories weren’t his, these memories weren’t -

_He started walking forward, wading through blood and other bodily fluids, his feet stepping on and breaking soft bags of human organs, spilling their contents while shards of bones cracked under his steps. He didn’t look down, only walked in circles, wondering what was so satisfying about making each part of this human’s carcass indiscernible from the next, creating some kind of grotesque conglomeration of body parts and organs._

Some of these thoughts were memories of memories. Layers of fear and hate, self-loathing and self-sacrifice, the need to protect and the need to destroy.

Haise’s head fell into his hands, shoulders shaking at he imagined his fingers curling around soft, bulging flesh, death by asphyxiation.

No.

Death by _him_.

“Hai… Haise!” Touka’s hands grabbed at his wrists, pulling his hands away from his face, forcing their eyes to meet. Such deep, dark, amethyst eyes she had, he noticed. He felt like he had never _really_ looked into her eyes before. They had stars behind their irises, swirling galaxies of knowledge, effortless beauty contained in such small spaces.

“H - Haise?” she stammered.

**“Shut up and kiss me.”**

“What?”

He didn’t care, his mind didn’t care, he just needed…

“Shut up and kiss me.” And when he met her lips in a rushed, sloppy, _needy_ kiss Touka didn’t resist. Her body tensed, she leaned forward. Haise’s mind slipped back into its familiar, blank state, leaving behind the blood and the darkness and the turmoil of emotions -

A crash resonated from their side, and Haise wrenched himself away to find Takizawa sprawled on the floor, staring at him with half a look of horror and half a look of betrayal.

* * *

Haise was at work the next day, of course, he was getting paid after all, and not showing up was just a cut to his well needed paycheck – anyone who worked new all about that.

But the two men avoided each other for the entire shift. Haise didn’t explain, and Takizawa didn’t press him to explain. Afterall, it wasn’t any of Takizawa’s business who random people randomly lip locked at random bars at random hours.

Well, if only random people weren’t Haise, if the lip locking _had_ been random, if the bar hadn’t been his frequented favorite, and the random hour had been something more reasonable than 3am.

Takizawa groaned into the pull tote of toothpaste. _Fuck._

When he finished stocking the shelf, he walked over to Haise idling at the counter. “Your turn, do the juice and milk, I’ll man the register.”

Haise didn’t acknowledge the command, just moved away as if someone else had ordered the task.

_Well if you_ want _to be a prick about it,_ Takizawa sighed to himself, only interrupted from continuing the bitter rant by the phone ringing. He quickly answered, grateful for the distraction.

“Good afternoon, thank you for calling your local dollar store, this is Takizawa Seidou speaking, how may I help you?”

There was a static pause, then an elegant voice said, _“This is Mado Akira, district manager.”_ Takizawa’s breath caught. _District_ manager? District _manager_?! _“I’m calling to schedule store 1-5-4-x-x’s customer service check. We’re running a little behind, so if you could carve out a meeting time tomorrow it’d be much appreciated.”_

“Customer… meeting… service… tomorrow, ah, yes! Tomorrow works fine!” he stumbled, cursing himself between every word.

_“Great, I’ll stop by at eight. In the morning.”_ Without further ado, the call ended.

“Ahh, for christ’s sake,” Takizawa moaned, running a hand through his already unruly hair. “I can’t catch a minute to breathe, can I?”

* * *

Haise claimed nightmares as his reason for sleeping on the couch the past two nights. It was half true, the memories had started infiltrating his dreams, decreasing his restful hours. However, for the most part he just felt too guilty being even remotely near Hide. Everytime he saw the bright-eyed man, Haise remembered Takizawa’s expression: fear and betrayal. That was no doubt what Hide would show if he found out the truth.

**_“Shut up and kiss me.”_ **

What a joke.

“Haise? Are you okay?” Hide inquired innocently over breakfast after the second night of sleeping on the couch.

With Saiko, Tooru, and Shirazu staring hard at him, he forced a genuine smile and said, “Perfectly fine. Just… night terrors. The usual.”

Saiko went back to playing with her cheerios, Shirazu became distracted with trying to get her stop, Hide lowered his eyes… Only Tooru remained staring at Haise’s lying, lying face.

His walks to and from work were his only alone time, his only solace. No, he couldn’t call it a ‘solace,’ exactly, since he was continuously torn apart by guilt, but at least when he was alone he didn’t have to hide it from anyone.

What was happening to him?

_He couldn’t quite explain to himself why he felt this way – it was almost as if he had been in love with this man his entire life._

_In love?_

He laughed to himself. No. This wasn’t love. _Couldn’t_ be love. If you were in love, you didn’t kiss your best friend because you were having a shitty night. If you were in love you would feel bad about kissing your best friend because you were having a shitty night. If you were in love, you would have gone straight home to lay multiple kisses on your lover because you were having a shitty night.

The latter had never crossed Haise’s mind. Not once.

He wasn’t in love.

And that wasn’t fair to Hide.

* * *

“Are you sleeping on the couch again?”

Haise gave a weak smile through the darkness. “I’m sorry. It’s just too hot in here.”

“I could open a window - ”

“No, it’s fine.”

“But I could - ”

“It’s _fine_.”

Haise didn’t register how sour his voice had gone until after a minute of silence.

“It’s fine,” he repeated, calmly, emotionlessly. With that, he left the room.

A dim light was always left on in the kitchen, letting a little spill into the living room. Haise positioned himself comfortably on the couch – it really was a nice couch, perfect for sleeping in all honesty.

Haise knew he had to talk to Hide about this eventually – sooner rather than later, he just couldn’t find the nerve to start said conversation. How was he supposed to? ‘Hey, I know we’ve banged, like, four, five, maybe seven times because I totally thought I was in love with you but it turns out I’m not? Actually? In love with you? Sorry.’

Yeah. Great way to start _that_ conversation. Haise smothered his face in the back of the couch.

What was he doing?

Why why _why_ did he think getting close to anyone was a good idea? He was so empty, just a husk of a real person, there was a god-given-reason he ended up in middle-of-nowhere-East-Ave.

Fuck.

Digging his nails into his palms, he forced himself to suppress those thoughts. Damn, it was _hard_ , but he had to – for his sake, for Hide’s sake.

Fuck.

He hated this. He hated this so much.

* * *

_Blood burst like cherry blossoms blowing in the wind. Rhythmic tapping of old rain drops falling to their deaths sang along to the muffled screams, squelching hacks of his knife, laughter dribbling from his lips. It was cold, so_ cold _, he loved it._

_It was a cold night, but not cold enough to snow – felt like it, though. He was dressed in nothing but shorts and a t-shirt. He wanted every. drop. of. blood to hit his skin. It warmed him, he had discovered, years ago when he had first killed. It warmed him. It was his favorite color._

_Blood._

**_“Pl-pleas-se,”_ ** _the woman begged, sobbing, holding a bloody stump of an arm._ **_“Wh-why a-are y-you d-doing-g th-this-s?”_ **

_Kaneki cocked his head._ **_“Why?”_ ** _His mouth curved like death’s scythe into an unholy grin._ **_“Because… why not?”_ ** _he hummed._

_Haise knew this was a dream. One of those dreams where he watched like he was going through the actions of rearing his arm back, bloodied knife glinting under sick streetlamps, plunging the blade too easily through the poor woman’s face. Just a dream, none of it was real._

**_“Hmm… dead already? And I thought you were going to be fun.”_ **

Sick _, Haise thought. He imagined nausea rising, though none did._

_Kaneki straightened and turned to the man cowering in the corner. He already missed both legs, Haise noted. The sight of flooding blood, splintered bones, and muscle scattered like a spilled pot of noodles would have made any person sick – yet Haise had always been comfortable with gore._

_Chuckling manically to himself, Kaneki walked past the man to a door on the side of the alley. When had they gotten into the alley? Haise couldn’t tell, the surroundings were dark and shadowy. He wondered if it smelled like oil and rain, but you never smelled anything in a dream._

_The door opened to some kind of club, music pulsing against the walls, gyrating bodies moving like a hypnotic wave. Multicolored lights flashed between the faceless people of the mob, and Kaneki moved effortlessly through them. Men, women, faces clad in blankness, skin the color of silver and blood. They danced, merrily, without a care. Kaneki had no business with them._

_Another door. Once opened, the world was silent. No… not silent, just… dark._

_Dark._

_Never ending darkness. His eyes were wide open and he could see_ nothing _, but he could smell_ everything _. Metallic anxiety permeated his every sense. Kaneki screamed into the void and Haise screamed with him because it was_ too real _, he may as well be experiencing it for himself. They screamed and screamed and screamed and -_

_A flash of something. Color. Light? Kaneki was sitting up in a soft bed, and Haise was sitting up with him. It was quiet quiet quiet and serene. Warm, fresh sunlight spilled through a window and Haise imagined it smelled like honeysuckle and fresh cookies._

_Kaneki’s hand met something warm, something alive, and he looked down to find Hide – Hide? – sleeping on his stomach, radiant, sun-like hair cascading around his face. Haise felt it – a surge of emotion, a surge of_ love _and_ relief _. Kaneki reached for Hide’s hair -_

Blink.

_The room darkened and Hide was no long beside him. Kaneki looked up to find Hide standing across the room, facing them, head beant. Haise wanted to speak, wanted to ask what was going on, but who would explain? This was just a dream after all._

Blink.

_The room darkened. Hide looked up and Kaneki reached out again, fingers grasping at the vast space between them. Haise laughed at the patheticness of it. Kaneki could so easily get out of bed, so why did his legs feel tied down? Why were his arms so heavy?_

Blink.

_The room darkened. It was like an explosion of gold and blood. Hide’s chest split, the skin peeling back like flaming kindling. Blood broke free of scorch marks and dripped from the corners of his mouth._

**_“Why didn’t you save me?”_ ** _he asked._

**_“I did - ”_ **

Blink.

_The room darkened. Hide was on top of Kaneki, pinning his arms down and screaming into his face,_ **_“Why didn’t you save me?! Why didn’t you save me?! Why didn’t you save me?!”_ ** _while Kaneki shouted back, voice breaking,_ **_“I did! I did! I did! I did save you!”_ **

_Haise flinched with each word. Why didn’t Kaneki just get out of there? What was holding him back?_

_A pressure laid itself across Kaneki’s throat, and Haise couldn’t breathe either. Hide stared down at him, face twisted into pure fury and betrayal, eyes widened in wrath, their usual brown color transformed into a hideous puce, teeth bared in an animalistic way, frothing._

**_“Why did you leave me!!”_ **

_Kaneki found his voice._ **_“I didn’t leave you!”_ **

_When Hide spoke next, it wasn’t his voice anymore. No, it was feminine, ragged, and sad._

**_“But you did leave me, Kaneki.”_ **

Hide was silent for a long moment before nodding. **“But... Will I see you again?”**

The truth pulled itself from Kaneki’s mouth a lot quicker than he wanted. **“No.”**

**_“Kaneki…”_ ** _Hide sang, though still with the feminine voice._ **_“Why did you leave me, Kaneki?”_ **

**_“I… I did… I did leave you…”_ **

**_“Hideyoshi wasn’t the only one you left.”_ **

Blink.

_The room darkened. Hide was gone. Kaneki sat up. He was in a different bed, now, something more ornate with a duvet comforter and multiple pillows. A tall, elegant woman stood at the window, covering herself with nothing but a thin sheet. Haise realized Kaneki, too, was naked._

_She turned, red glasses perched on her nose, dark eyes scrutinizing and seductive. The disgust resonating within Kaneki was shared with Haise._

**_“You let him kill me, you know,”_ ** _she said softly, but not in the voice Hide had spoken with just prior._

_Kaneki stood from the bed and walked towards the door, cold and uncaring. Haise, despite the physical revolution, wanted to stay and comfort the distraught woman, but it wasn’t his dream._

_That’s right, this was all just a dream._

_When he opened the white bedroom door, he was met with a flood of darkness and pain. It cleared slowly, ever so slowly. Kaneki tried to blink the smoke away, but it would not be commanded by the dreamer._

_A dull pain resonated in his feet. He tried to look down, but the darkness persisted._

**_“You’re my favorite, you know,”_ ** _a deep, raspy voice praised, and a spear of fear burrowed straight through Kaneki and Haise’s chests. Haise knew that voice._

_And there was the sad, female voice again._ **_“Why did you leave me, Kaneki?”_ **

_The darkness fell away. A monstrous man stood before him in a room with a checkered floor._ **_“You’re my favorite, you know.”_ ** _Pliers clamped around his toes and he screamed._

_The darkness fell away. A young girl with round glasses and a smiling face despite the tears of pain falling stood before him in a room with a checkered floor._ **_“Why did you leave me, Kaneki?”_ ** _Pliers clamped around his fingers and he screamed. Haise wanted to wake up._

_The darkness fell away. The woman with glasses stood before him in a room with a checkered floor._ **_“You let him kill me, you know.”_ ** _Needles shot into his arms and he screamed. Haise struggled to wake up._

_The darkness fell away. Hide, shirtless, chest peeled open to reveal bloodied ribs and a still heart, stood before him in a room with a checkered floor._ **_“Why didn’t you save me?”_ ** _The pliers bit away his skin and pushed into his own chest. Kaneki looked down with shaking vision to watch Hide pull out his beating heart, clutched delicately between the plier’s ungraceful hands._

_And Kaneki screamed._

Why is this happening to him?! _Haise silently shouted over the tumult._ Why is Hide hurting you? What did you do? Why didn’t you save him? Why couldn’t you save him?

I did! I did! _his own voice shouted back._ I did save him! He’s safe!

_Haise thought of Hide sleeping soundly in the room down the hall in the strangely large apartment on middle-of-nowhere-East-Ave._ He is safe! You don’t need to worry, you did save him!

I saved him! I saved him!

You did! You did!

_Hide clenched the pliers, bursting the heart like a water balloon, painting his hand red like a glove._

_Haise broke the chains on the chair. This was_ his _dream. He would_ not _sit idle. He launched himself at Hide, knocking him to the floor._

Why are you doing this, you selfish prick! He did save you! You were saved!

**_“You left me to people who don’t care!”_ ** _Hide snarled._ **_“You left me_ alone _!”_**

No, I _saved_ you! Shouldn’t that be enough?!

**_“I didn’t want to just be saved you bastard!”_ ** _Hide’s hands gripped Kaneki’s forearms._ **_“I wanted you to_ love me _!”_**

**_“How was I supposed to expect you to love me? Have you seen me?”_ ** _Haise’s own voice was reflected, and suddenly Haise was the one of the floor, pinned beneath a man with white hair fading out to black – so much like Haise’s own._

**_“Have you seen me…”_ **

Yes, I can see you.

I don’t deserve him!

But he wants you!

He deserves someone kinder!

But he wants _you_!

But I’m _dead_!

_Haise’s body jolted._ D… dead?

I’m dead and you’re all he has left of me! _Kaneki lifted Haise’s head and slammed it against the tile flooring._ So! _Slam._ You! _Slam._ Better! _Slam._ Treat! _Slam._ Him! _Slam._ Right!

_An extra hard slam. Haise’s vision swirled. Far away voices were shouting for him. Kaneki lifted himself and looked around the crumbling room. He sighed, as if coming to peace with something._

_Haise chuckled, something trickling from the corner of his mouth. It tickled._

I don’t think we’re the same, Kaneki.

_A sad, sad smile. Words Haise didn’t catch. And then his missing heart lurched with the sense of falling and he came to with a bright light shining on his face._

* * *

Who ever he was, he wasn’t in love with Hide. Haise was not, with any doubt, in love with Hide.

Kaneki was.

And Haise was not Kaneki.

No matter what his conscious told him.

* * *

“Shit shit shit, I’m late!” Takizawa shouted, going ten over the speed limit in a rush to get to work. He careened into his parking spot without fail and was flying out of the door and to the shop at top speed, which was surprising since he hadn’t worked out in years.

He threw himself into the shop and closed the door seconds before someone knocked on it and he answered it as if he had been there for hours (which was, of course, ridiculous since the store hadn’t even opened yet).

“Yes!” he exclaimed, nearly falling over the platinum blonde woman standing far too close to the door. She was composed and refined, dressed in a dark blue business suit, and Takizawa assumed she had to be the district manager.

“Mado Akira, here to speak with Takizawa Seidou,” she said, almost robotic.

“Uh, that’s me!” Takizawa stammered, having not prepared himself for how beautiful his district manager was going to be.

She pushed her way inside and surveyed the dark store before holding out her hand. “Employee information please.”

“Right, of course!” He patted his pockets before panicking because _of course_ he forgot the papers in the car. “Those are, uh, in the car, I’ll get them real quick. Wait right here!”

He didn’t wait for a response, just rushed out and back and _thank god_ she hadn’t moved a muscle. “Heeeeere you go,” he said, full of pride, knowing he had worked until 4am on perfecting them, thus the reason for his lateness.

It wouldn’t take long for Akira to go through the papers. After all, only four people worked at the store (five including Takizawa, his own report right on the top). Her eyes drifted over each page, scrutinizing them, expression blank. Takizawa hummed contentedly to himself, knowing there weren’t any mistakes.

When she finished, she turned to him and he was surprised to find her looking… troubled.

“There are… four? Employees?” she questioned.

“Five including myself,” he corrected.

She shook her head. “There should only be four including yourself, Mr. Takizawa. You, Yukinori Shinohara, Juuzo Suzuya, and Hanbee Abara.”

“And Haise Sasaki,” Takizawa added, now also confused.

“You mean this Haise Sasaki?” Akira held up said man’s file, picture of a familiar, smiling face and two-toned black-and-white hair staring back at Takizawa.

He nodded slowly. “Yes… That Haise Sasaki.”

Akira’s frown was deep and worrying. “Takizawa… such a man doesn’t exist within our corporation.”

His eyes widened.

“Excuse me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you losers wanna know how this chapter started? like I was gonna have freaking Kaneki in love with Arima who was also his brother and it was a flashback to pre-FMC and everything was super fucking fucked up holy shit. anyway you can read it [here](http://cthulhus-daughter.tumblr.com/post/145947228469/have-u-ever-written-something-so-fucked-up-u) if u are so interested
> 
> also isnt it great how i dont update for like three months then leave u guys with this?  
> yeah its not great at all  
> ...sorry


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lord keep Hide strong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *throws this at your a flees*  
> also seriously you guys' comments always make my fucking day Im just  
> I love all of you （＊＾Ｕ＾）人（≧Ｖ≦＊）/

Haise heaved breaths against warm skin. Five arms encircled him, two more patted his back. He shivered, sweat covered skin freezing cold as the remnants of the dream – so _painfully_ clear – replayed behind his eyes.

_I don’t deserve him!_

_But he wants you!_

_He deserves someone kinder!_

_But he wants_ you _!_

_But I’m_ dead _!_

Everything was jumbled. Images of sunflowers and fresh cookies mingled with gore and detached limbs. He felt sick, but not from the images. No, he felt sick from the turmoil of emotions that rolled over and over in his stomach, rising up his chest and into his throat.

“Bathroom, bathroom!” a voice commanded. Haise felt the floor leave his shaking palms, and the world spun rapidly, the movement only tolerable by a pair of rich, brown eyes.

A strong, disgusting smell hit him a moment later, and while it was nasty it grounded him. He proceeded to empty his stomach into what he assume was the toilet bowl. The shivers left him and instead he was consumed by uncomfortable heat.

He reached blankly for anything cold. More than one hand met his, but he pushed them all away – save one that happened to be freezing. Good.

He thought of the room with all the blood. He thought of the man named Kaneki leaning over him. Kaneki had been cold to the touch.

He was vaguely aware of mumbling some words, though they couldn't quite reach the forefront of his brain. He wondered if he should try again

“Would…”

Well, that was a start.

He lost consciousness before he could finish.

* * *

It was Tooru who had first heard Haise groaning in pain, and upon deducing he had a fever had promptly awoken the whole house. Once they had gotten the poor man to the bathroom and he had thrown up for ten minutes, and after he had all but crawled into Hide’s lap, Haise said the strangest thing that left Saiko in hysterics. 

“Would… Hide be down… for a threesome? But like… with a… dead person,” he had said, the only coherent thing he had spoken in the past twenty minutes.

None of them had any idea what he could possibly mean. So they got him comfortable in Hide’s bed before gathering around the kitchen table to stare at one another.

Correction, for everyone to stare at Hide, Urie included, who had graced them with his presence on this emergent occasion.

“I literally have no idea what that was about,” Hide stated firmly.

“Oh I believe it,” Shirazu said, crossing his arms. “But what’s your best guess?”

“I… uh…” Hide trailed off. A dead person? Who he was in love with? Who _was_ Haise in love with? What the hell none of this made sense! “I’ve got nothing.”

“Okay, we’re screwed then,” Shirazu sighed. “Saiko? Urie? Thoughts?”

Silence.

“What the fuck you guys.”

“Sorry Shirazu,” Saiko started, “but I don’t know what…” Her eyes glossed and she trailed off.

“What? What ‘what’?” Hide prompted.

She bit her lip, hesitation rippling off her body. “Um, nothing.”

“No, not nothing. _What_?” Hide urged.

“Well…” She looked hard at the table. “What about…” Before she finished Tooru blanched – a strange look to his already darker skin – and stood.

Everyone turned to him.

“I’m, uh, gonna check on Haise. Saiko, come with.”

“But Tooru, I - ” But with one hard look she silenced, rising obediently to follow.

Once the two were gone, Hide sighed, “You guys really keep me out of the loop sometimes. All the time. How did I even end up with you guys as roommates anyway?”

Shirazu chuckled uncomfortably. “Uh. Well. Because you love us! _Obviously_.” He laughed again.

Hide’s mouth twisted to the side in a mix of frustration at his roommates and at himself – because as much as his roommates’ cryptic side-glances and vague answers about certain things drove him up a wall, he was mostly frustrated with himself because Haise had been suffering and _he hadn’t done anything about it_. He had just let the man he was _head over heels in love with_ give him the silent treatment. Hide was so used to letting Saiko, Urie, Shirazu, and Mutsuki have their space concerning their personal matters, that he had just given Haise the same treatment when it had obviously been the opposite of what Haise had needed.

Dammit.

Just how much exactly had he fucked up?

Hide glanced up from his thoughts to find Shirazu had left, leaving him alone in the kitchen with Urie, who was already nodding back to sleep. Hide sighed. Maybe he would sleep on the couch tonight.

Before he could get much further with that train of thought, Saiko was barreling into the room, tripping over the threshold and falling on her face. Hide would have laughed had her expression not been so tormented.

“Urie,” she gasped, voice edging on a sob, “it’s Shirazu, he’s - ” She stopped, and, seeing Hide was still there – as if he wouldn’t be? – added,  “And Haise’s awake. He’s asking for you, Hide.”

Hide highly doubted that after the past few days Haise would ask for _him_ as soon as he woke up. Still… Hide allowed himself to hope.

“Is Shirazu?” he slowly questioned, rising from his chair.

Saiko laughed. “Yeah. He just found a spider. Tooru won’t take care of it, so we’re hoping Urie will.” She turned to the brooding boy. “Won’t you help?”

Urie sighed, but relented, standing with obvious reluctance. Hide gripped his hands and chewed his lip. What was going _on_?

He didn’t want to leave his roommates alone, not after the realization he had come to just earlier. Yet at the same time…

Indecision riddled his every bone and he almost felt sick with the physical pain it caused him of wanting to follow Saiko and Urie’s retreating backs, yet afraid of intruding on their secrets.

Secrets they obviously didn’t want Hide to know about.

And he was supposed to just accept that?

A perfect human being would. A perfect human being would respect his friend’s need for space. (Even if it harmed them all in the long run?)

But Hide was far – very, very far – from a perfect human being, and that idiot-desire to _know_ would surely be his downfall.

So he followed them. He tread quietly on the ancient, wooden floor, one hand trailing the flaking wallpaper. It really was an old house, he wondered if he should do some renovating. (Which was a strange thought since he was sure such an idea had never crossed his mind before.)

Saiko and Urie, unsurprisingly, turned into Shirazu room and nudged the door closed. Hide crept closer, staying clear out of the shaft of light that spilled from the room. Pressing his ear to the wall, he struggled to hear what the muffled voices were talking about.

He couldn’t make out a single word.

What the hell?

For such an old house with paper-thin walls – Saiko had iterated as much after the first few nights Haise had stayed over – Hide was honestly baffled as to why he couldn’t make out a single word being said.

Maybe he would renovate the place.

He retreated back down the hall and down another to where his room resided, nut sure what else to do with himself, and nudged open the door.

Haise lay on his side, his back to Hide, breathing heavily. Once again, guilt and indecisiveness clogged Hide’s every nerve and he froze, one foot hovering over the doorway.

_Come on_ , he urged himself, _do something! Make a choice for once!_

Make a choice?

Hide hugged his arms close to his chest, grimacing at himself. Why couldn’t the gods just send some sign to help him make up his mind. On what, exactly, he didn’t quite know – what he did know was that it had something to do with how much in love he was with Haise.

Hide wanted so much. He wanted to hold Haise’s stupid hand and go on stupid dates and buy stupid flowers as an excuse to be stupidly romantic. He wanted Haise to teach him how to cook and watch b-rated horror films at midnight and maybe make out afterwards because they were scared. He wanted to feel Haise’s hot skin under his hands and he wanted to hear Haise gasp his name as Hide dug his teeth into the soft flesh of Haise’s neck.

Hide brought his palm to his face and groaned softly. He had it _bad_.

“Mutsuki?” Haise’s soft voice murmured. Hide stiffened as Haise rolled onto his other side, though he kept his eyes closed, so Hide wasn’t entirely sure Haise had realized he wasn’t Mutsuki.

“I’m sorry,” Haise whispered hoarsely. “Tell Hide I’m sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t mean too…” He trailed off, pressing his face into the pillow. His shoulders hiccupped in a quiet sob and Hide felt his heart clench. Why was Haise apologizing? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

“I got scared,” Haise confessed into the pillow, fingers curling in the sheets. “I got scared and… and I ran. Mutsuki, tell him I didn’t mean to. Tell him I’m sorry.”

Hide felt like he shouldn’t be hearing this, but he supposed it was better than hearing it from Tooru – or rather, the vague interpretation of it, because _of course_ Tooru would urge Haise to tell Hide himself and only give Hide a bone of information, leaving him craving more.

He turned and was about to leave when Haise added, “I shouldn’t’ve… fallen in love with him.”

In mere seconds, Hide was turned around and storming over to the bed, slamming his arms on either side of Haise’s form. Haise jumped and turned tear stained eyes and a feverish face to Hide, mortified surprise encompassing his expression.

“What do you mean by that?!”

“H-Hide?”

Hide felt his face twisting in an indescribable emotion. “What the _fuck_ do you mean you shouldn’t have fallen in love with me? It should be the other way around you ass!” His hands clenched the blankets in frustration because he wanted so badly to hold Haise and tell him how much he loved him and treasured him and how _grateful_ he was for falling in love with Haise. He gritted his teeth so hard his jaw ached. “Are my feelings just a game to you!?”

_Alien feelings bubbled up inside him. Until now he had prided himself with never getting angry and never raising his voice, generally staying happy._

_Whirling around, Hide exclaimed,_ **_“You’re so confusing! Back there, in the basement, you - !”_ ** _His face warmed._ **_“You... you_ kissed _me! And then five minutes later you say we’ll never meet again? Are other’s feelings just a game to you?!”_**

“Of - of course not!” Haise exclaimed, one hand shooting up to push against Hide’s chest. “You’re…! You’re the only one…”

**_“What? I’m the only one what?”_ **

“What? I’m the only one what?” Hide demanded, not noticing the tendrils of déjà vu that crept up around his legs, rooting him like a statue.

Haise swallowed hard and Hide finally noticed how hot Haise hand was against his chest. His fever must be rising again.

“You’re the only one I’ve ever…” He trailed off again, bringing his outstretched hand back to his head, holding it there as pain contorted his face. “I made a mistake, Hide. I fucked up and kissed my best friend because I was scared and you weren’t there and I shouldn’t have done that!”

Hide sat back, unsure of what he was supposed to be feeling. Jealous Haise had kissed someone else? Anger for the same reason? Or relief Haise was telling him?

But Haise wasn’t done yet. “And these… these memories, Hide, they won’t _stop_. Everything I do makes a new one surface and at first I thought I was just daydreaming, but then there were ones of dead bodies and my friends were dead and _you_ were dead and it was all so _real_. How am I supposed to react to that?!”

Hide understood all too well.

_Hide stormed forward and grabbed either side of the raven-haired man’s head, forcing their eyes to meet, though the other’s were nothing more than clouds. Hide stared angrily into his face as words rose and died one after another on his tongue. He pressed his fingers against the man’s skull in his ire, a part of him wanting to hurt as he had been hurt, but -_

Hide swallowed, shivers scampering up his spin as the vague image played across his mind.

_No, this man had known the villain, probably had gone through the same if not worse torture, He knew all too well what it meant to be hurt._

_Suddenly shameful of his rage, Hide relaxed his hands and rested his forehead against the others._

Outside the scene, Hide did the same. He leaned forward to rest his head against Haise’s, not exactly enjoying the boiling heat pouring off him, but rather relishing the presence of _life_.

_Alive._

“Say it,” Hide said, voice but a whisper. “I forgive you, so please, just say it.”

Haise squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “I can’t - ”

“You _can_. Please.” Hide knew he was begging now, but he couldn’t help it. He wanted everything to be normal again. He closed his eyes to avoid his own temptation. He knew Haise had to be the one. “Please, say it, I want you to say it.”

Haise’s breath caught on a suppressed cry. “It’s not fair - ”

“I can’t say it because you have to!” he argued. “You’re the one who needs it and I want to give it to you. So please… I forgive everything. Just say it.”

Haise gasped the beginning of a word, hot breath puffing against Hide’s face. Hide felt his stomach lurch in anticipation as equal parts of _want_ and _need_ rolled around under his skin.

“Sh… shut up,” Haise sighed, voice barely a murmur. “Just… kiss me.”

And Hide did.

* * *

_Who ever he was, he wasn’t in love with Hide. Haise was not, with any doubt, in love with Hide._

_Kaneki was._

_And Haise was not Kaneki._

_No matter what his conscious told him._

That was the joke, Haise decided. How could he have ever thought such a thing?

_And he felt free. With Hide, he didn’t have to divide who he was, because for once the ‘him’ with black hair and the ‘him’ with white hair were loved equally and unconditionally._

Haise thought about the memory for a long moment before deciding that maybe these memories were just failed versions of himself from some other world, and a cruel god was playing a joke by bringing them up.

It didn’t matter. He was happy here. That was what mattered.

* * *

_Saiko was bedridden for the first few days after she had mysteriously appeared in the strange house. She could easily remember everything she could normally remember, however the details surrounding the scene with gunfire and what felt like dying were pretty foggy. For the most part, her mind was completely caught up with what was happening, but for some reason her body remained weak and sickly for a couple days._

_She was quickly introduced to Mutsuki Tooru and Urie Kukie, the house’s other two tenants besides the owner, whom she found out was Hideyoshi Nagachika. Saiko only met Urie once in the immediate days following, and it was Tooru who took care of her and brought her up to speed on what had happened._

**_“You died.”_ **

**_“I what?”_ **

_Tooru took a seat on the edge of the bed, fingers fiddling with the patched quilt. It was day two since Saiko had appeared here, and her curiosity was starting to drive her insane. She was eternally grateful Tooru was finally going to explain everything._ **_“The memories might be vague now, but they’ll come back to you soon – but yes, you’re dead. We all are.”_ **

_Saiko hugged her Mewtew plushie closer, frowning._ **_“Even you and Urie?”_ ** _Tooru nodded._ **_“Even Yoshisan?”_ ** _A pause, but Tooru did nod again._

**_“Hide is… a little different.”_ ** _Tooru sighed, rubbing at his eyepatch._ **_“If you consider the three of us – you, me, and Urie – as, say, ghosts, then consider Hide as the thing that’s keeping us here.”_ **

_Saiko looked down at her chest, squinting to see if she was transparent. She definitely was not._ **_“So can I… walk through walls? Do I still need to eat and take shits?”_ **

_Tooru laughed quietly._ **_“Well, yes, you can still and will need to eat and sleep, et cetera. It all depends on Hide’s mood. The more restless he is, the more this place sort of… deteriorates.”_ **

**_“What does that mean? If he willed it we would just disappear?!”_ **

**_“Hm, not exactly. Think of it this way.”_ ** _Tooru adjusted himself on the bed, sitting cross-legged at the end of it._ **_“This house is like a pot of water sitting on the stove – Hide is the stove, adjusting the heat, and we are the water inside. When Hide is agitated, restless, frustrated, and so on, the stove heats up and then we, the water, inexplicably boil. It doesn’t happen often though, so you really don’t need to worry about it.”_ **

**_“Then… where is_ this _, exactly?”_**

**_“East Ave is… it exists in an actual world, but the locations that surround us are seen as a common hallucination, a day dream. We exist, but we can’t be recognized by others.”_ **

**_“So we can’t… leave?”_ **

_Tooru shook his head._ **_“Not even if we wanted to.”_ **

_The information jarred Saiko, but since she was stuck in bed for several days on end due to her body “adjusting itself to being dead,” she had plenty of time to think about what was going on._

_Even though all of what Tooru had said had made sense, she didn’t understand why the reason she was stuck here was because of Hide. She didn’t even know him, had never known him when she was alive, so why would he be the reason she was stuck here now?_

_But that question was solved one night when the memory of her death came back to her in a wave of feverish chills. The gunfire, the shrapnel, the blood pouring from her side, risking her live for that damn Tsukiyama family just for enough money to eat the next night – she had never expected she’d be dead before then anyway._

_Least of all, she never expected to be touched by a random stranger who had had the intent on saving her life – or trying to, anyway._

_And that random stranger had been Hide._

_When she told Tooru about this, he told her his had been similar: hurt, waiting to die, Hide standing over him, unable to save his life, and waking up in a room in a home where Hide thought everything was normal._

**_“Urie too?”_ **

**_“Urie too.”_ **

_Tooru couldn’t explain why this situation was happening – it simply_ was _, and Saiko would have to find a way to live with that._

_That was easy for Saiko, however, she didn’t exactly miss her old life._

_When she was finally able to wander around, she realized life in this strange house would be_ perfect _. There was food, television, wifi, video games, books, and an endless connection to the actual world. She could interact with it as much as she liked, and was glad they, in turn, couldn’t interact with her. It was a paradise she had been wishing her whole life for._

_About a year later – only Tooru kept track, otherwise time would become moot very quickly – a new person arrived. Of course, Hide acted as if Shirazu Ginshi had been there the whole time, and Saiko sat in on Tooru explaining the actual situation to him._

**_“So does that mean… Kaneki is here?”_ **

_Tooru furrowed his brow._ **_“Wh-who?”_ **

**_“You know… Kaneki. Genius kid or something, Hide didn’t shut up about him for, like, the entire time before I died and shit. He’s dead too or something.”_ ** _He cut off to cough violently into his sleeve. Apparently arriving here with all his memories was taking more of a toll on his body than it had for Saiko._

_Tooru shook his head again._ **_“It’s just us. You, me, Saiko, Urie, and Hide.”_ **

**_“Huh… weird then.”_ **

_Shirazu was sick for a very long time, longer than average, according to Tooru, and long enough to actually worry Urie. Of course, in the end he healed up like the others and was bouncing around the house as if he had lived there all his life. Shirazu brought a new kind of life to the place, and Saiko loved it – it lit the dismal place up with a new light it hadn’t seen before._

_If there was any downside to it, it was that Shirazu wouldn’t let the Kaneki issue slide._ **_“There just_ has _to be more to it,”_** _he would insist. He even broke Tooru’s rules and asked Hide about it._

_Saiko had been there, sitting in the kitchen playing her DS. She had watched as Hide’s eyes glossed over and become confused, as if he didn’t really know where he was – but he snapped out of it a moment later and, smiling, replied,_ **_“Afraid I don’t know who that is.”_ **

_Saiko expected that to be the end of it, and maybe it would have been. Maybe she and the others would have been here forever, happy and contented, Hide never knowing the truth, and Tooru diligently keeping track of the days that passed._

_But it didn’t. Of course it didn’t._

_There was a bit more to Tooru’s stove metaphor, as Saiko found out._ **_“Hide may just be the stove,”_ ** _he said,_ **_“but someone else can still change the temperature.”_ **

_And that someone arrived out of the blue. Someone’s whose arrival was_ noted _._

**_“We have a new tenant upstairs,”_ ** _Hide announced one day, happily, excitedly._

**_“Who?”_ ** _Shirazu inquired, shoving spaghetti into his mouth._

**_“Haise Sasaki. He works in town.”_ **

_Ghosts weren’t supposed to be able to leave the house. Saiko and Tooru shared a worried glance across the table._

_The three of them – Tooru, Saiko, and Shirazu – decided to meet the new man._

Maybe he isn’t a ghost _, they thought,_ maybe it’s a trick the gods are playing on us _._

_But Haise was very much a ghost, Tooru easily confirmed that much – but it was Shirazu mistified words that threw the rest of them into a panic._

**_“I… I can’t believe it… Holy shit… It’s Kaneki.”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw this is my fave chapter EVER THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN TO WRITE
> 
> ps. I made a [playlist](https://play.spotify.com/user/midday87/playlist/3AKHU5a2wUGoCcZeCeBqzJ) thing u should totally check it out


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> idiots in love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> F ✿ L ✿ U ✿ F ✿ F  
> (and exposition but who cares about that)

**_“I… I can’t believe it… Holy shit… It’s Kaneki.”_ **

_Well, not_ exactly _Kaneki._

_Haise Sasaki and Kaneki Ken were undoubtedly different people, but also undoubtedly the_ same _person (not that putting it like that made any sense, and Saiko iterated as much to which Shirazu just snapped, “Shut up!”). The group only had Shirazu’s fact-lacking knowledge to go on, but it was what they’d have to work with._

_Tooru was in a panicked flurry because_ this wasn’t suppose to be possible _. Saiko didn’t understand the other’s worry until… something happened._

_She was up in her room playing Pokemon Mystery Dungeon when an earthquake shook the entire house, causing her figurines to rattle and fall over. The temperature dropped unexpectedly and Saiko leapt out of bed, breath fogging, to find Tooru._

_Tooru was in the living room with Hide and Shirazu. Hide stood to the side shivering, eye closed as he whimpered – reliving a memory from when he was alive, Tooru later told her. However, it was Shirazu who worried all of them._

_He was fading._

_Saiko had thought it would be cool to be transparent, but being able to see the table and the floor beyond the confused, scared boy_ terrified _Saiko. Transparent meant disappearing, and disappearing meant gone forever._

_After the ordeal had ended and everything went back to normal – warm house, Hide humming as he cooked instant ramen, Shirazu_ solid _– Tooru did some investigating, even getting Urie’s help._

_The cause of the incident was apparent even before the two drew any conclusions._

_It had to do with Haise._

* * *

Hide cupped Haise’s face gingerly, as if handling a porcelain doll – and maybe at that moment Haise was that: fragile, breakable, doll-like.

Haise couldn’t always return the kisses Hide sprinkled across his lips since harsh, fevered breathing and the occasional, lingering sob still broke from his throat.

But Hide couldn’t stop. His fingers fluttered over Haise’s cheeks and weaved into his salt-and-pepper hair, caressing the sharp angles of his head. He bit at Haise’s lower lip, tongue flicking across his teeth. When Haise opened his mouth Hide pushed forward, slowly deepening the kiss until all he could hear was his heartbeat and Haise’s ragged breathing.

“H-Hide… you’re gonna… catch my cold…” Haise gasped when he got the chances, which weren’t a lot since Hide simply refused to give them.

“Hm,” Hide grunted, which basically translated to ‘whatever.’

“Hide, c’mon…”

Hide’s reply was smothering Haise’s words with his tongue, kissing as harshly and as feverishly as if there were no tomorrow.

“Mm, Haise, you’re so hot.”

Haise’s body trembled with laughter. “Yeah… a fever… you idiot.”

Hide laughed lowly against Haise’s lips as he trailed his fingers down Haise’s neck and collarbone, resting them on his shoulders as Hide’s lips dragged hot, desperate kisses from Haise’s mouth to the soft flesh of his neck.

“H-Hide, you have… have to stop, or…”

“Hm?” Hide grinned against Haise’s flushed skin, nipping gently at it. “This aroused and all I’ve done is kiss you?”

“You’re - ! You’re a good, nnrg… good kisser.” Haise was squirming, breath now hitched on sensual heat rather than sorrow.

Hide could only grin foolishly. How could he not? The last several days had been living torture watching Haise needlessly drift away from him, plagued by thoughts Hide couldn’t possibly begin to understand. And now? He was kissing his lover with as much passion as when they had first met, an apology dripping from every point of contact.

“Haise, Haise,” Hide said, suddenly lifting his head to meet their eyes.

“Y-yeah?”

Hide immediately buried his head in the other’s chest, rubbing his face almost viciously against the shirt that his hands slowly worked up Haise’s body until Hide’s cheek pressed against the soft, flushed skin of the other’s stomach. “Haise, Haise, Haise!”

“What? What is it?”

“I like you!” It burst from Hide like a firework. He whipped his head up again, desperate to make sure his words got across. “I like you! I like you so much! To be honest it almost doesn't make any sense, but I like you and I don’t ever want to let you go!”

“Like as in… ‘like’ like?”

“‘Like’ like as in love like!” And in the bed, Hide straddling his hips, Haise undoubtedly suffering a severe cold under him, Hide grabbing the sides of Haise’s face, Haise’s gripping Hide’s thighs…

“I love you! I feel like I’ve loved you forever!”

“Hide - ”

“So don’t try to drift away from me! Don’t ever do that again! I feel… I feel like my world would collapse if you leave me!”

Haise swallowed, unable to find words to assure Hide that he would never leave. He hoped the kiss he leaned up to give would be enough – and he decided it definitely was, based on the fact that it was hard for Hide to kiss back due to him grinning so much.

“Hide… Hide, kiss me back,” Haise whined, wrapping his arms around the other’s neck.

“But I thought you didn’t want me to catch your cold?”

Haise’s answer to that was his knee in Hide’s stomach. Between breaths of painful laughter, Hide gasped, “O-kay, shit, I take it back! I take it back! Ow, fuck.”

Haise took advantage of the moment and, wrapping his arms tighter around Hide’s shoulders, hugging the other’s face close to his chest, rolled them to the side so now Haise straddled Hide, his hands pushing Hide’s wrists down.

“So… you’re into threesomes, huh?”

Haise spluttered, “Wh-what?”

And just as quickly, Hide rolled them back over so he straddled Haise again. “Remember? You said something like that while you were throwing your guts out in the bathroom. Something like… wondering if I’d be down for a threesome, but with a dead person? Hell if I know.”

“I, uh, can’t quite remember saying that?” Haise turned his head to the side to cough weakly into the pillow. “But, I mean… if you were in love with someone else… I’d support it if you wanted to, like, do them.”

“What the fuck, Haise!”

“Huh?”

Hide was a mix of laughter and confusion, but mostly laughter. It bubbled out of him like a hot spring, a release of the stress that had been building up, resulting in a mix of relief and arousal.

“I don’t want anyone other than you, you idiot!” he exclaimed, pulling at either of Haise’s cheeks. “And you better not want anyone other than me, or I might have to kill them. I’d become a yandere for you, Haise, just think about that. A _yandere_.”

“Yikes.”

Hide’s mouth twisted to the side. “We cool? Just you and me?”

Haise suddenly looked depressed again. “But… I kissed… my best friend - ”

“Oh, _shut up_.” Hide violently kissed Haise this time, because honestly? He was done listening to that mistake that was so far in the past it couldn’t even begin to bother him anymore. “I already forgave you for that, so you know what I think we should do? We’re gonna make out until we pass out and tomorrow I’ll… blow you, or something.”

Despite his efforts to stay solemn, a smirk flickered at the edges of Haise’s mouth. “But… what if I want you to blow me now?”

Hide’s eyes widened in mock-surprise. “Haise… _do_ you want me to blow you?”

“Hide, I will stand up, right now, and leave.”

“No! Don’t leave me! We were finally having a heart-to-heart! We leveled up in adulthood!” He threw his arms around Haise’s neck, not even bothering to hide how they grabbed too much and worked their way too far down until his hands were slipping under the back of Haise’s jeans. When Haise’s hips jerked up at the sensation, Hide became all too aware of exactly how turned on Haise was.

“Hm? Like it when I touch you there?” Hide said, attempting to sound seducing.

Haise just groaned and muttered, “Your dirty talk needs some work. Not” – he cut off to cough violently to the side – “sexy at all.”

“Well I need some work, okay?”

“Shut up and just touch me before I go crazy.”

“Wow. You’re not being cute at all,” Hide teased as he pressed his knee up between Haise’s legs.

“I’m sick and needy!”

Hide could only laugh against the other’s neck as he wiggled his fingers, carefully squeezing Haise’s lower half as the other’s hips jerked at every pressured touch until, well, he came quite unexpectedly.

“Oh my god.”

“Shut up.”

“Did you - ?”

“Shut _up_.”

“You just came from me kneading you _ass_!”

“I said _shut up_!” Haise pushed a pillow into Hide’s face, smothering his next words until Hide managed to knock it away.

“It’s not - ”

“I am so embarrassed.”

“You don’t - hey! Don’t cover your face, the pink looks adorable!”

“Pink? I feel like I’m on fire, can I” – cue another series of hacking coughs – “just sink into the ground?”

“Okay, one, you sound like you’re dying, so I’m gonna clean you up and you’re going the fuck to sleep. Two, I’ll tell you about the time I didn’t come and it’s actually something to be embarrassed about. There was this porno and I ended up having to masturbate - ”

“Oh my god.”

“ - into my stuffed animal, Rocky the Raccoon, I think, and - ”

“Stop while you’re ahead.”

“ - I didn’t know what was happening so I _didn’t_ come and had blue-balls for, like, a week.”

Haise stared hard at him for a moment before muttering, “Help me clean up so I can go to sleep and maybe forget about what you just told me.”

“Hey! You feel better now, don’t you?”

“I’m not answering that.”

“Come on, say it: you love me.”

“Fuck you.”

“Another time, honey-cheeks.”

“Hide, help me up or so help me” – more coughing; it had a lot more wheezing to it now and Haise’s voice was definitely starting to fade – “we’ll see who the _real_ yandere is here.”

“Yandere’s don’t murder their infrauterated crushes, though. Get caught up on your anime facts. Jeez Haise, it’s like I don’t even know you.”

Hide, eventually, got Haise cleaned up and back into bed, and after one last make-out session that – and Hide swears by this – Haise initiated, the two fell into a sound, sound sleep, holding each other close as if afraid that if they let go the other would disappear.

* * *

“Hide, you’re as sick as Haise. What did you do?”

“Tooru, you know what they did.”

“It wasn’t anything like _that_ – argh, _fuck_ my head hurts.” Hide groaned loudly and flopped back on the bed, covering his eyes with his arm. Beside him, Haise was completely passed out with fever.

“Are you sure?” Shirazu pressed.

“Totally worth it.”

“Totally worth _what_?!”

“Making up with him, making out with him, I don’t know, Shirazu, just… worth it!”

Everyone was pretty certain they both would have recovered quickly had each not refused to leave the vicinity of the other for more than five minutes. Tooru, Saiko, and Shirazu couldn’t decide if it was Hide or Haise who was the clingy one.

“Seriously, aren’t your guys growns ups? Like, twenty-two or something,” Shirazu sighed.

“Probably twenty-three now since we leveled up in adulthood,” Hide replied, voice sounding stuffy due to congestion. Haise was currently passed out across the other’s chest.

“That’s not how aging works!”

“Are you sure? Fine then.” Hide raised a finger. “I dub it…” He paused, frowned, then amended, “That’s how aging works. Because Hide said so. I’m Hide, by the way.”

“Oh for the _love_ of all that is holy!” Shirazu exclaimed, storming out of the room. Saiko giggled where she sat on the edge of the bed.

 

Some time later, the four roommates were gathered in Saiko’s room – she had the most comfortable couch, and more things to look at when the conversation grew awkward and they couldn’t look at each other – discussing Haise’s sickness.

“It’s definitely the memory thing,” Shirazu was insisting. “I mean… same thing happened to all of us.”

“True,” Tooru started, “but, one, Haise is an anomaly concerning this whole ordeal, and two, if Haise’s line back then is anything to go on, it was probably just a dream.”

“‘Would Hide be down for a threesome? But like, with a dead person’,” Saiko quoted happily from where she played with a couple Evangelion figurines.

“He was _obviously_ talking about Kaneki,” Shirazu stated firmly.

“But if they’re the same person…” Tooru started, “then why would Haise refer to Kaneki as a different person?”

“Amnesia! Jeez, Mutsuki, you’re the smart one here, shouldn’t it be obvious? Besides, he may as well be someone else, because the Kaneki that Hide described while I was dying had black hair, not black _and_ white hair.”

“So they’re the same person…” Urie started with a frown, “but at the same time… not the same person.”

“Exactly!”

Tooru sighed. “Shirazu, that doesn’t make any sense. I mean, we were all reincarnated in the same bodies, why would Haise be… different?”

“Probably because his relationship to Hide is different,” Urie stated flatly. “I mean, you don’t see any of us fucking our landlord.”

“But that doesn’t - ”

“Listen, Mutsuki,” Urie interrupted, unfolding his arms to talk with his hands. “We all first met Hide while were dying and he was trying, futilely, to save our lives. Next thing we know, we’re here, in this house, with Hide. We regain our memories, he doesn’t.”

“Where are you doing with this?” Tooru tried to interject, but Urie held a finger up and kept talking.

“Kaneki was mentioned when Saiko was dying, but she’s the only other one. When we were _all_ dying, Hide wasn’t the only one with us. Sometimes one person, sometimes two people, doesn’t matter because there was always _someone else_. If everyone’s who’s lives were touched by Hide ended up here, then _where are the others_.”

He let it sink in for a moment. It was obvious he wasn’t expecting an answer of explanation – he already had one.

“If Hide is some sort of lodestar,” Urie began, “the thing that guided us to this place – then Haise is the same. Like Hide is what is keeping us here, Haise is what is keeping _others_ somewhere _else_.” He crossed his arms again and retook his position leaning against the wall. “That’s why he’s an anomaly. That’s why he doesn’t follow the rules we do.”

* * *

Haise awoke one night due to Hide pushing him off the bed. He fell with a hard thud on the cold, wooden floor and took a good two minutes to reorganize himself before shakily standing. Whatever he had, the fever was still ravaging his body with a vengeance that just wasn’t fair. He ached all over and was either boiling hot or shivering like it was the middle of the winter – no in between.

Running his tongue across the dry roof of his mouth, Haise stumbled his way to the bathroom in hopes that cool water would help his wretched state before he crawled back into bed to sleep restlessly until something else woke him up.

Bleary eyed he splashed ice cold water over his face before cupping several handfuls into his mouth. It felt good against his hot, dry skin, though it didn’t do much for the congested fatigue that hung over his shoulders and had settled on his chest. Blindly grabbing a towel, he wiped at his face before lifting his head to catch a glance of his reflection in the mirror.

And he stopped.

Because for a moment he imagined some cliche out of a comedy where the protagonist lifts their head and looks into the mirror to find their appearance changed in some way.

Haise looked the same as ever – disregarding his sickly skin and baggy, tired eyes of course – but something felt… different, as if there was some minor, _minor_ change in his face that he couldn’t quite place.

He leaned forward, trying to pinpoint what could possibly have changed.

Everything looked the same as ever.

_Weird._

Haise took a strand of his salt-and-pepper hair between his thumb and forefinger, turning it back and forth, contemplating what he would like if his hair was just white or black. He guessed he would prefer black, since white would probably make him look super old. Well, Saiko had said something about white hair being some sort of trend, so maybe it wouldn’t be that bad? Who knew, maybe he would look like a whole other person with one color of hair or another…

That thought made him pause again.

‘Whole other person’?

He felt his knees buckle and he sunk to the floor, hands gripping the edge of the sink as if for dear life as unwarranted memories flashed chaotically through his mind.

**_“She was already dead, wasn’t she?”_ ** _His heart felt a little lighter._

_The young villain leaned against a lamppost, the yellow light reflecting off his white hair like tarnished gold, darkening his wicked, green grin, casting hooded shadows over his eyes so all that showed was a spark of mercury-silver._

**_“You know… I’m not sure how to say it.” “Mm, say what?”_ ** __

_She was completely nude, hair matted with grime and blood, one eye gouged, half of her left breast cut away and cauterized. Despite the dirt covering her skin, Kaneki could still clearly make out the one scar that had not been put there by Yamori. Hunger shrinking her frame, Kaneki could easily count her ribs and pick out the bottom left one missing, a souvenir he still had._

**_“You’re alive,”_ ** _he choked out._

_Hide nodded._ **_“I am.”_ **

Alive.

Haise loved the sound of that word ringing in his head.

He would had loved it more had it not been accompanied by the onslaught of images that made no fucking sense.

“Haise?” a voice murmured behind him. Hide padded into the bathroom, rubbing at his eyes. “Did I wake you? What’s up? You okay?”

Haise gulped to clear his throat and stuttered, “Just having a minor identity crisis, no big deal.”

“Well…” Hide slid to the ground with a grunt against the wall, pressing his feet against Haise’s lower back. “Did you figure it out? Because if you’re not Haise, I don’t know how we’re going to make this relationship.” He said it an obviously joking manner, but it still struck a nervous chord in Haise’s chest.

“I mean…” Haise swallowed again, tightening and loosening his grip on the cold sink. “Do you know… a…” He was afraid to say it. _So so_ afraid. “A… K-Kaneki?”

The silence that stretched between them was frightening. Haise managed to turn his aching limbs around to sit on the carpet so he faced Hide, so he could watch as Hide’s face twisted from pain to confusion to reminiscence.

“Kaneki, huh,” Hide mused absentmindedly. Just when Haise grew extra worried that he had triggered an unwanted conversation, Hide turned to him with a bright smile. “If I know someone by the name, I don’t know them any more. Besides, what’re you getting jealous for? You’re the only one I need!”

_And Kaneki felt free. With Hide, he didn’t have to divide who he was, because for once the ‘him’ with black hair and the ‘him’ with white hair were loved equally and unconditionally._

Haise couldn’t help but mimic the smile. He couldn’t tell if he was smiling in relief or gratitude, but the smile felt comfortable and welcoming.

He and Hide crawled back to the bed and curled up in each other’s arm, all too content thinking about falling asleep like this every night.

(Until Hide kicked Haise in the back _hard_ thanks to his delirious fever. Haise felt obligated to forgive him since he did keep stealing all the blankets.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully some of the confusion from last chp was cleared up?? if you guys ask questions I will answer them as best I can without giving away shit that happens later!!
> 
> also here's the [spotify ver.](https://play.spotify.com/user/midday87/playlist/3AKHU5a2wUGoCcZeCeBqzJ) and [youtube ver.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REqSXrHkgGs&list=PLMTQpOPCEBd7LkB9F3Bqr4E3H6T_8dX8z) playlists for this book bc I love these songs and a couple really speak to the story so here!! listen if you want!!
> 
> *deeply sighs* I was going through 'farewell, my corona' for the flashback sections and I CRY because holy shit I had so many typos?? how did you guys deal?!? o(╥﹏╥)o I need editing help waah


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